Chronicles of Chaos

Clutching onto the last vestiges of life with... a referral letter?!

2011-04-09T01:37:00.002+08:00

Another medical episode this month, first of the year.

GP was trying so hard to get me to go back to my private specialist that in the end, he came up with a new plan. Write me a referral letter for emergency KK check-in.

He's dead worried that I might bleed out if I don't get to the specialist and get my medical thing sorted out. He says when I sleep, I could have profuse bleeding, thereby resulting in a drop in blood pressure and I could just die in my sleep.

Sure, it sounds serious, but I ain't that worried about it. I've got a knife-happy specialist and the only diagnosis if I do go to him is another procedure. I tried waiting it out before and everything resolved itself in slightly over a week. Sure, I was weakened by the entire episode but hell, I didn't have to undergo another GA (of which I've already undergone 3 in this lifetime) and another day procedure.

Instead, I choose to focus on how a referral letter might help me if the above scenario does pan out and I'm dead. Look, if I bleed out, I bleed out and die in my sleep. Someone should congratulate me on having a painless and excellent exit if I had to choose one at all, with the words 'Excellent Exit Strategy' on my epitaph.

So... I figure, perhaps Dr thinks I might be clutching onto the last vestiges of life together with this referral letter, so in case the medial board comes a-fault finding, he could let the letter speak for itself. In my mind (granted, with a little blood-loss factored in), were I in sure dire straits in the middle of the night, I'm pretty sure NO emergency room is gonna tell me to take a number and wait my turn. I would be a priority in almost any emergency room around the world (Hello?! Blood loss! Low blood pressure! Can't find a pulse! Last few breaths! Lemme thru already), except... perhaps... in a galaxy where they can revive the dead at any point in time (Urgh! Scratch that... I don't wanna live in zombie land, you can't take baths without an appendage or two dropping off)

Oh I dunno... c'mon! Smile a little with me, even if this is a morose kinda humour. Life is never that tragic that you can't crack a joke and see the lighter side of things. If my time's up, it's up, but persistent as I am, I believe my time's NOT up just yet. I got things to do still... people to meet, places to see.

And so it begins...

2011-03-24T15:00:00.005+08:00

Well... after a mash-up of anticipation, fear and faked nonchalance, I need to revel in a one liner I heard from K. "I messed up. I messed up with us"

That was from a couple of weeks back.
Long story short, we managed to sort some things out and even as I tread with trepidation into this, I am now with K. We had talked about seeing each other when I went up and then decided how things would go. Then he decided that he needs to come down sooner than my end year trip to US. Then as we progressed from talking once a day, to many times a day, he told me one day, that we may not have realized but we seem to be in a relationship already.

Like omg? People don't ask nor talk about it these days?
I feel cheated. I. Want. A. Refund. heh!

I can't describe the elation I'm feeling though. It's not like any relationship I've been in. Sure in past relationships I am glad to be in it but not so darn elated. This feels so right that it scares the cwap outtav me.

I love everything that he is doing right now... from his morning wake up call, to his MSN messages in between, and sporadic calls in between the day or something. We are essentially 17 hrs apart, his day my night and vice versa... but with the constant contact daily... it doesn't sting as badly being this far apart. Sure... it's still hard and I'm worried that distance is gonna be a killer on us, but for now, this is what we need to do if we wanna make this work. - shrug -

It's so comfortable being with him and we seem to be resonating together quite nicely, on a very well-matched frequency. I love that it's so easy falling in love with him. He makes me feel safe.

(Incidentally, all posts from July 2010, were saved and never published. I didn't know the direction of us and even when things seemed over in 2010, I still had this feeling that it wasn't the end. I decided then that I would keep the blogs till there was a finality to the story and post it all one shot. I'm glad I did... )

The Call

2011-03-09T04:21:00.001+08:00

Ok... I am finally back from Japan and Hong Kong and back into the conundrum of things at work. Conundrum is loosely used here since work's stress level definitely amped up since I got back.

I had a friend come back from USA and got my much awaited Philosophy travel perfumes. I was so bored one night that I decided to post a pic of them on FB. The minute I hit POST, I saw something I didn't realize previously. One of the perfumes didn't have the word Grace on it and was called Falling In Love. Great... last thing I need now is to have people think this pic is code for "I'm In Love!" Oh well...

I couldn't sleep that night. I checked into FB and saw that I had a message. I was wide awake the minute I saw that the email was from K. He wrote a very very short 1 liner. "ok. what is your phone number. i have to talk to you "
I think my heart skipped several beats (or perhaps that is just a heart attack in the making) and I tried to tell self that perhaps he just needed a stranger to talk to. OMG... if he tells me he's getting married and was so elated that he couldn't sleep... I might buy a ticket to where he is, get there, tear off his arm and beat him over the head with it. Sheesh... where is that metal helmet that zaps you when you think too much, when you seriously need this?

It's 4am now... and I am sleepless in gawdang humid Singapore.

Japan Traveling 2011

2011-03-02T00:43:00.000+08:00

A new year and this year seems even worse than the last as far as work is concerned.

Too many issues happening at work, too many projects for me to handle with no support from my boss, and absolutely zilch as far as recognition from the psycho is concerned.

Anyways... the long and short of it is, I had no idea where I wanted to go this year. I had no time to plan neither. In the end, I decided to just head towards Japan. This is my first ever foray into Asia, willingly. I get my winter and travel for 2011 done. Yay is me! Truth be told though, traveling alone in Asia freaks me out. I am perfectly comfortable traipsing all around Europe, even at night. But Asia... just.... F.R.E.A.K.S. me out!

I was so busy at work that I hardly had time to plan anything. In the end, I bought my ticket on a Tuesday and flew on Friday of the same week. I got so caught up in work that my colleague got worried for me and started researching for hotels and spas and transport for me instead! heh! I am blessed with great friends.

Even on the day of my flight, there were some last minute issues at work that had me worried and I was wondering if I should cancel the trip. Nevertheless, I got on the plane and managed to get to Tokyo in one piece. Phew! And I spend the next 2 hours walking around hunting for the crap of a hotel I chose. Well done me!

Anyways... I must say, I love the service attitude in Japan. There is an innate joy and pride when the service staff serve and it can be felt by the consumer. I'm sure most of it is faked but to be so fake that it is believable, now that is a true skill!

Aside from the gold star level of service, I love their trains. Getting around has never been as easy as this. The train system is lengthy as hell and stupid but they go EVERYWHERE and they are always on time. You don't ever have to wait longer than 5 - 10 minute for a train. I heart denshas!

Now for the things I didn't enjoy quite so much.
I feel like a jolly pink giant in this land of the rising sun.
Everywhere I go, I get stares. Most of the time, it is most likely because of my height and stature. I have actually seen a 40ish male, at about 1.6mtrs tall, SCUTTLE away when he turned to see me walking alongside. I think towards the end of my trip in Osaka, I realised that part of why people stare is because I wear too little. I ain't naked in case you were wondering, but all I had on was my top, my tights and a coat with boots. C'mon... how much do I need to bundle on at a temperature of -5 to 5 deg celsius?? Like seriously...?

The other down side, would have to be how the males and females who don't know each other, rarely sit together. Now don't get me wrong, I have no dying wish to plop my fat arse beside a male in the train. But if I had to choose between standing in a train with my humongous luggage (ergo getting in everyone's way) and sitting down comfortably beside a male, you can bet your bottom dollar my arse would be parked snugly alongside the male's.

My thoughts on this trip though... is how much I enjoy solitude. No one to whine to me, no one scowling at me for wanting to smoke in the cold, no one who is uptight about money and always expecting me to pay first for everything. It has been awhile since I traveled alone and I am glad to know that I still enjoy it.

I loved every single minute I lazed in my hotels. I lounged around so much that friends who see me online ask why aren't I out pounding the streets. Neh... not my style to pound streets. It's a holiday and I will do whatever I feel like doing for the day. I also adore the freedom I have to wander around supermarkets and parks. I could literally spend 4-5 hours in a big supermarket, just looking through everything and trying to come up with my own interpretation of what the item was. Fascinating. They had a tool for every damn thing you need to do in your life!

I also enjoyed my Calpis and Kirin Milk Tea on a daily basis, with the occasional Melon Pan. It brought back memories of my tertiary education where we would be at the atrium and I would troop into sun moulin cafe to get my much loved melon pan. It was bliss having the freedom to do any darn thing I wanted to do with no accounting to anyone. Pure unadulterated bliss!

The truly scary thing of Japan is that everything costs almost 2 arms and 2 legs. Sigh... and I had thought this would be a relatively inexpensive trip. Oh well... at the very least, I can now cross Japan out of my list of places to visit before I die.

The Dream

2011-02-13T02:00:00.004+08:00

I was seeing this guy T casually for a couple months before I left for Japan. We go out and stuff but aren't an exclusive item. I was comfortable with that. As I started traveling all around, I finally had time to catch up with friends back home since I chose hotels that had wifi. One of them, J, was so excited at hearing that I have been seeing some guy. She was gushing on and on and I was amused. I don't know what the fuss is... since it's someone I'm casually seeing and not a BF nor a husband-to-be.

When she heard that I don't call him every other day, she was quite taken aback. She says it doesn't sound like I was too into him. I revealed that the guy had asked before I left, if we could see each other exclusively. I told her that just hearing him say that, made me break out in mental hives. I told him that I wasn't quite ready to handle a relationship because truth be told, I have not been able to shuck that uneasy feeling whenever I think of getting into ANOTHER relationship. I don't know when I developed this commitment phobia and it could merely be symptomatic of a deeper issue but ah heck. I don't wanna delve into that right now.

Anyways, when I told T I wasn't sure a relationship was what I was looking for right now, T said it was ok, he would wait. I replied that I wasn't even sure after the wait, I would ever be ready. T shrugged and said that was his risk to take and he was fine with that. So this is where I left things before I left for Japan. I didn't even tell him I was leaving for Japan for 3 weeks, till I was at the airport, about to board my plane. I did say that I would not be contactable for a bit... because once I got back from Japan, I would be at work for a week before flying to Hong Kong.
He asked if things were ok with us and I said yeah, it's just time to get away from it all and trying to handle things once I got back.

That very night after talking to J, I had a dream though I'm not sure if I should say nightmare instead. I dreamt I was getting married and though the groom's face was unclear, K's face was a certainty. I dreamt that I had to ask K if there was a possibility of us before I married myself off to someone else. When I awoke... I was superbly upset. Not so much because of K but because of what my subconscious seems to be telling me. I had made T into a back-up of sorts! Like I couldn't have my first choice so this is my 2nd choice. Like omg??

I got so mad at myself that morning that I just couldn't muster enough enthusiasm to pound the streets of Japan. I mulled in the hotel room for quite some time, leaving only in the late afternoon. In the meantime, I sorted through my thoughts. I made 2 decisions: (1) I needed to end things with T because there was no point wasting time since I didn't feel that strongly about him. I do like him and I can see how great a partner he might make, all things constant. But I was just not in love with him. This is where the self recrimination begins. I seem to still expect the impossible. For someone to be completely and utterly in love with me, and I, him. I may not expect fireworks and exultant music in the background, but I still hold on faithfully to the thought that when I meet HIM, things would just fall into place and we would just know. Perhaps this is the reading of too many fantasy novels where real life is a figment of imagination. Damn you novels!

(2) I should prolly send an email to K and just say hi. I don't know what point is there to this ... but well... I just really wanted to know how he was getting on, and is he terribly happy and in love with A by now. I am half afraid he would say things were great and they were due to be married by xx date and I was invited to the wedding.

*Deep breath* Be brave O closet romantic! On the bright side, if he is really saying 'I do', then at the very least I can stop wondering the what-ifs with him and just be glad that at least one of us found The-One-That's-Right-For-Me. There might be hope for me then... in this futile search(?) for mine. Riiiight... I am not even sure if I can ever hold steady in a relationship or if I even want to be in one... and here I am, comforting self that there will be one for me eventually. I confuse myself ever so often that it's amusing I am not tied up in a straitjacket by now, wearing a metal helmet that zaps me whenever I start to think.

Incidentally though, before THE Dream, I have been talking to K on FB more. I am prolly imagining it but he seems interested in my Japan travel. I have received a comment here and there from him whenever I post a pic or some comment throughout my journey.

There was a particular comment he made that made me take note, when I was lamenting on FB that my Japan visit would end soon. He said something along the lines of that it was time to end my long trip and to save some leave for my trip to USA in Dec 2011. He added that it has been a year since he saw me. The fact that he noted I was going to be in US and the fact that we haven't seen each other in over a year... well... that just made me quirk an eyebrow again. I tried to rationalize then, that he was either a player, or a tease. I mean... were he interested, he wouldav tried to talk to me by now, instead of leaving remarks that were open for wide interpretation. Perhaps I am the culprit in this instance... the guy could just be talking to whom he assumed was a friend he hadn't seen in awhile.

Gawd... I need to stop this nonsense as though I were some bright-eyed bushy tailed newbie in affairs of the heart. Kill the emotion for goodness sakes! It's getting tiresome.

Hitches

2010-10-01T23:40:00.001+08:00

It is October... and had things gone as planned, I would at least be seeing him when he came to Singapore for a visit.

It is absolutely absurd that I am wasting seconds, blogging about someone I met, never dated and yet, think of from time to time.

I leave an occasional message now and then on FB, and he replies. Other than that, I have not had much contact with him.

I think of him ever so often though... and it is starting to annoy the heck outtav me!

What the heck is wrong that I need to think of this guy out of the several others I have dated since then??

Pffffft!

The End of A New Start

2010-07-24T22:05:00.005+08:00

I met him on 27 Feb 2010, while in transit in Dubai airport. It was a strange route for me because I usually take Air France and would never transit in Dubai then. This time round, Chinese New Year came by early and I decided to chance with Emirates instead and chose to transit in Dubai instead of my usual Paris.

Anyways, we struck up a conversation which lasted about 2 hours. He said goodbye when his mate said it was time to leave and I continued with my remainder 4 hour vigil at the pub with my ciggies and mineral water. When he came back shortly thereafter, I was pleasantly surprised. He asked for my email and I had expected us to keep in contact for a couple of months, with the conversation dying a natural death soon enough, or we would meet up if we ever traveled to countries in common.

When I got home and finally checked my email couple of days later, I was a little surprised to see an email from him. We chatted over the next few days and it seemed like there was an inexplicable attraction between us. However, being as cautious as I have become...I was hesitant to return the 'like' and when he commented that it would be cool to go on a date with me, I was non-committal. I had a thousand thoughts running through my head... thoughts like he is in Iraq now and would be able to travel only in October. His home country is in USA. Where would a singular date lead us even if it went well? Too many improbables and I hesitated. I did say he was welcome to visit Singapore and we would have a great time meeting up then. I never really answered him on whether I would be interested in a date with him. I merely said let's be friends and see where that takes us.

A couple days from then, I think my heart sank when he mentioned about this girl he had asked out. I mean... I do understand that when you are casually dating, it is alright to date a few others but to tell one date of an impending date you were excited about? My gawd...!

I mulled over this for a couple of days before I decided: "Fux sakes! I need to tell the jerk that he's being a jerk even if that means the end of a friendship." When I mentioned it, he was taken aback. He claims he had the impression that I wasn't really interested and that was when he asked the girl out. He said the girl is a uni mate from waaay back and they always have tons to talk about. He said he was gonna pursue this date with her and see what happens from there.

Hogwash! For someone as intuitive and book-smart as he is, there was no way he couldn't tell I was interested. He probably found a better prospect in between and decided to pursue that instead.

As pissed off as I was, I was also mollified. His actions further convinced me that people rarely say the things they mean these days and well... there was no point to this. He was quite adamant that we talked about things and for the weirdest reason, I didn't want things so clearly defined that we would never be able to return to this point. My usual style would be to talk things out to a certainty and from there, we would continue to move past the romantic stage into an asexual friendship of which, there would be no hope of ever returning to the romantic stage. I can't explain why I didn't want things clearly defined... I just knew at this point in time, I do not want to kill this. Silly I know... why waste time on a guy who is just... not very into me?

I told him I understood what he was saying and I am ok for us to remain as friends. No need to talk nor explain further. He said he made his life 2000 times more complicated. He also revealed then that were he ever in Asia... there was a Korean girl that he saw while he stayed in Korea for 6 yrs. He said theirs was a complicated relationship and the girl didn't seem able to commit.

I have the awful feeling that he is doing everything he can to make me not like him but well... he doesn't know me all that well and how much it takes for me to reveal that I like a person. Yes, I am the doofus who believes that saying things out loud makes it real.

Anyways... in the following weeks, while I made reasonable efforts to talk to him as a friend would, he got increasingly snarky. At some point, I decided to just shut him out completely. He created mixed feelings in me. I wondered often if things wouldav been different had I answered positively when he first asked. Right after this thought, my next thought would be how lucky I am that we never started because he seems to have a lot of unresolved emotional ties to girls.

It is strange that though we are no longer talking... I still think about him from time to time. I mean... we are talking about a guy I haven't known longer than a few months. We never even hung out! Sheesh! I must be aging ...

Mortality Smortality

2010-05-15T21:06:00.004+08:00

I had this conversation with my GP lately, on the added risks of a PCOS sufferer. He mentioned that I was at higher risk of Diabetes 2 and asked if I had been tested.

I related my life theory to him. I told him that if I were ever to be inflicted with a terminal disease... I would choose not to know about it since no cure is in sight. I said that I find people who discover they have little time left to live, seem to lose that intrinsic value to life no matter how positive a front they put forth to the world. Others... spend the remaining time they have left, ticking off a check list of must-dos.

I suppose I can afford to say this now... because I do not have a partner nor dependants in my life at the moment. But I assured the doctor that I have been living my life the best way I know how, and I have no check list I need to tick off. I want to live my remaining days exactly how I would if I were not ill and when the time comes... I will just leave the world as is. I have done all that I think I need to do within my means... I don't want to waste the time I have left, being depressed and watching people around me worry and cry.

That being said though... I have to add in a disclaimer. Should I be inflicted with a non-terminal disease such as diabetes... I might want to take steps now to prevent it. Simple reason being... er... Chaos is quite the wuss to pain. Heh... says the one who wants to leave the world not knowing of her terminal condition if that were ever to happen.

Irony of life in Chaos' world... gotta love it.

The whole point of growing up

2010-04-25T20:24:00.003+08:00

As we grow up amidst the many trials and tribulations, I woke up one day to discover that I seem to have lost a part of myself. I don't know when and how but I have let the trials and tribulations define me. I don't mean to say I have become a consequence of these decisions. I mean that the consequences of these decisions I have made, have made me start to check and doubt my natural responses to situations.

I'm not sure how this happened and when I started playing on the side of caution whenever I perceive a risk at hand in an opportunity that comes up. It is never a bad thing for one to be cautious but to me, that intuitive spontaneity has led to many doors being opened for me and I actually enjoyed life, even if a few of the doors opened, weren't very welcoming ones.

It bothers me when I self reflect now and realize that this is how I've been making my decisions. It's created a pang in me, for the person that I no longer am. There are some situations where over-thinking leads to a missed opportunity and that becomes a regret.

And regrets... as we all know... are the worst kinds of memory to have. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change it and all you have, when you look back, is this void and wonder of what it could have been and how the missed opportunity is of your own making. With regrets, there is no one to blame because it is all in your head and as we all know, you can't lie to yourself. It never ever works.

If growing up is so complicated, why do people keep telling us to do it?

Another round of Bloodshed

2010-04-16T23:51:00.002+08:00

I was discovered with a little medical condition when I was 25 or 26 and that was when my self confidence took a rather severe beating. I had cysts in my ovaries and this causes a hormonal imbalance. More importantly, PCO sufferers gain weight exponentially and it is hard for them to lose it, even with regular exercise and a stern eye on the diet. I know this personally because I have tried exercising and nutrition watch and it came to nought.

When I was 25 or 26, I had to have an immediate day procedure done as I was bleeding for over 2.5months. The first gynaecologist I went to gave me pills and told me to go back for another consultation in 3 months.

I was getting weaker with each passing day and my spine hurt so bad that I couldn't sneeze without excrutiating pain. I had initially thought I sprained my back or hips but no amount of chiropractor visits helped.

I was then brought to another gynaecologist for a second opinion and when he took one look at me, he said I had to have an immediate surgery as I was losing too much blood and losing colour. It was a simple procedure where I was given general anesthetics and I could go home within an hour of waking up. When I groggily awoke, I noticed that the pain in my spine had miraculously disappeared.

Since then, I still had the infrequent cycles and I discovered a few symptoms of PCO sufferers. For one, I get mood swings that affect me rather badly at times. It messes my mind and if I didn't take a hold of myself and remind self that this is the PCO 'talking' I don't believe I would be sitting here and blogging about this experience. Also, there were times when my blood sugar ran severely low and if I didn't get sugar or food in my system immediately, my body would shiver and shake uncontrollably and eventually I would pass out.

Accordingly to my gynaecologist, most PCO sufferers do not remove the cysts because any scratch on the ovaries would render one barren and I had cysts on both ovaries. The good news is that since it's benign and annual check ups do not indicate cancerous cells, the cysts do not need to be removed. I was also told that unless I tried getting pregnant for at least 1.5years, there is no reason to think that it will be difficult for me to conceive.

Anyways, fast forward from when I was 25 to last year when I was 35. I woke up one day and noticed that the bleeding was unusually heavy. I went to my regular doctor and he gave me a referral to see my gynaecologist immediately. I saw the gynae the following and he said the dreaded words that I was to have another procedure to clear the blood as there was a lot still left in my womb. I had already prepared myself for this and decided that in order to be 'normal' I would go alone and come home alone. I reasoned that there is no point in bringing someone to wait for me for over 3 hours and then bring me home when I was perfectly capable of doing so myself. I think the nurses were surprised that I came alone. When I messaged my best friend who is also my colleague that I was about to go into surgery in 10 mins, she was dead worried and wanted to rush down. I told her not to be silly and it's a simple procedure and I will be home in no time to rest. So that was how that came to be. It did feel lonely in the end, when I saw that everyone came with someone and no one went through this alone. The nurse offered to walk me down to the cab stand but I assured her that there wasn't such a need.

Fast forward to 8 months later... I started bleeding again yesterday and it feels bad again. I couldn't go to work today because the flow is too heavy for me to get clean without a shower each time. I went to the regular doctor again and told him that this time round, I do not want to rush to the gynaecologist and asked if he had pills I could take to stop the bleeding. He gave me 6 days' worth of pills but told me that he insist I go back to the gynaecologist on the 7th day because it is very likely that the bleeding will stop the minute I stop the pills.

I am sitting here in my room, trying to get a handle on my emotions and trying to assure myself that I wouldn't be bleeding that heavily in a couple of days and not to over think things. I keep telling myself that I will be fine and there is no need to worry about going to the gynae and being told that I need yet another surgery. I don't even have to think about whether I should call a friend to go with me this time because there is no surgery to be had.

I will be fine...

I Owe You ... Squat

2010-04-05T22:39:00.002+08:00

Lately... I have noticed that I tend to get short tempered with people who expect me to pick up the tab after them or expect me to share a bigger portion of a split bill. I wondered why this bothered me so much because the amounts in question isn't a big amount nor something that would set me back a few months.

I think I am at a point where I've had it with people thinking that since I am single, I therefore do not have a 'family' nor the burdens such a nucleus entails. They see me with a branded handbag and therefore assume that I bought this item on a lark with spare cash I have lying around the house.

I have also observed that when people ask if you have had an increment or so for the new Financial Year, that it is an obligation that one has to treat the enquirer to a meal. How odd. $1 is still considered an increment and if that were so, how would it justify treating friends to a simple meal of say $5? I'm sure people must have realised by now that, I do not have only ONE friend... surprising as that may sound. If every friend expects this... wouldn't I develop a phobia of such 'friends', enough to be a recluse sooner or later?

I wonder when people started being so myopic. While it is true that I am not married nor have kids, which means I am not paying installments for a house or car or even a newborn, there are also burdens that an adult with retired parents and a dog to boot, has to carry. Besides, what I do with my cash or whom I offer a treat to has to be my prerogative since I actually slogged to earn that cash.

It is strange that people start to judge you based on the terms of their current status quo, a life I might add, that was shaped by their own doing.

Kill Count: 9 as of 1 April 2010

2010-04-02T01:18:00.002+08:00

I was fussing with my new batch of seedlings and I realised that the roots for the cotton plant had already shot out from the jiffy starter. I was wondering what to do when a brilliant idea hit me. I could just add another jiffy pellet beneath and pray that the roots would penetrate into the new pellet.

So I started to get the new pellet ready.
I grabbed the seedling and was walking to the sink to commence the 'union' of two pellets, when the seedling pellet slipped from my fingers. In my haste to grab onto it, I snapped the plant in half. There was an audible crunch when the stem broke, not unlike the sound of crunching fresh lettuce stems. Sigh.... there goes Cotton No. 2.

Cotton No. 1 is still surviving but not by much. In frustration, I took the pot to the basin and added water viciously and peeked below the pot to see if water was leaking through. That was when I realised the root of Cotton 1 was peeking out of the hole at the base of my pot!

Cotton roots seem to be pretty strong because there was a piece of newspaper covering that hole. Sure, the tensil strength of that piece of newspaper might have already been weakened due to gradual watering but still... for the seedling root to punch through... impressive.

I think I shd be spending tomorrow transplanting Cotton No. 1 to my new pot with garden soil instead of anymore starters and trying to clear out the stuf I need to bring for sale on Saturday.

No rest for the wicked.

Not quite Aubergine on a busy Saturday

2010-03-28T03:01:00.005+08:00

Having decided 2010 would be the year for bravado and try out new experiences:
I did a little wardrobe colour change
I chopped off my long tresses
I decided I would try driving in Europe, going wherever I fancied instead of having to plot out destinations in order to buy train and air tickets.
Tried out an Acid Colouring which requires bleaching 2 sections of my hair.

As Acid colouring doesn't last more than 2 months (it essentially turns lighter with each hair wash) I did a refresher today and although the colour wasn't as deep as I wanted, it's a good start. As a point of reference, I have always liked the discreet flashes of a deep aubergine or fuschia better than if I were to see someone who just died their entire head luminous pink.

After spending 5 senseless hours getting the hair done, AT and I headed over to Taka to get some errands done. The throng in town hasn't abated even though this is one of the rare times I actually deem fit to hit Orchard road on a weekend.

After this, we parted ways and I had to grab a cab to go home, pick up my little fluff and bring her to the vet for her annual shots. Apparently another teeth scaling is in order soon. Sigh!

After the shots, I decided we take a 1kilometre walk to the nearby nursery and get some soil, pots and compost. I almost died of heat stroke by the time I got there. I carried the fluff ball half the time and let her drag me around for the remainder. I wish I had more hands because the nursery was having a 2 for 1 sale on African Violets, something I've always wanted to try growing.

I left without the African Violets and between carrying my dog with one arm, and heaving two heavy bags of soil, compost and pots, I was pretty exhausted and ready to surrender by the time my ride came.

I had my first meal of the day during dinner, rested and went ahead to germinate 3 plants.

I don't think I've ever been this 'productive' for the longest time ever.

A Little Green Under The Gills

2010-03-26T00:47:00.000+08:00

I am unsure if this is a sign of old age... or perhaps... I have deep rooted needs to create more of a chaos for self than I had realised, BUT... I am in the midst of trying to grow a salad box.

Let me explain.
I was in Europe (yet again) and a met a travel mate who is quite into gardening. Thanks to this mate, I am quite determined to grow a flowerbox (something rectangular in which you can put in soil and for the un-cursed, plants will grow.) Typically, flowerboxes are placed on wrought iron grills outside apartment windows, facing the street. This way, pedestrians and motorists passing by can look up and be greeted by a pretty sight. It is also commonly used to flank the doors of small Bed&Breakfast hotels.

For me, the flower box is to be placed on the common corridor. It was bought more for the functional purpose of limited space than aesthetics. I had this berserk idea whilst shivering in my winter wonderland, that I would like to grow a 'edible' flower box, in which vegetables would go into a salad quite nicely. Things like Tomatoes, cucumbers, lettuce, small white onions, etc.

I managed to kill my first batch of tomatoes, cucumbers and small white onions, no surprise there. The cotton plant seems to have survived though I reckon it will die a horrid death if I don't find a way to give it direct sunlight soon enough. Determined to disprove my non-green finger , I have just finished starting another batch of seedlings, this time using another medium from the first batch. I have since determined that the first batch died from a fertilizer assault. Apparently seedlings cannot be fertilized else they all wilt. Uh huh... wish packets of soil and seed had that written as a precaution in their labelling.

For now... wish me luck and pray that my kill count for plants don't go higher in the next two weeks.

A Revival

2010-03-22T10:13:00.002+08:00

I just went through some of my blogs. Yes, plural because for some obscure reason, I have blogs about certain portions of my life which I want to segregate from the general public. Anyway, that isn't the point of this blog.

I revived this blog and have made a 'firm' decision that this will be where I blog about nonsensical thoughts for no one other than myself to read.

So... I revived this. Yay! Aren't you proud of me? I know I am!

Shellshocked

2008-10-01T19:33:00.002+08:00

Dear D...

I can't begin to recount the shock I had last night, when I logged onto FB and saw the message that your sister was going to close your FB account in a week's time due to your passing. I thought it was a joke until I clicked on your obituary and saw your funeral pictures.

I can't understand this. We were still talking not so long ago and kept in contact until you broke your arm and we stopped for a bit. Life got in the way then and I had assumed that was the same with you.

I can't accept this... how could you be a statistic in a senseless accident?? How could someone with a verve for life such as you, be gone? Why didn't Death take the people who are always threatening suicide, instead of you? Where is the red notice from Death to warn me that someone close to me is going to be gone soon? Why wasn't I given more time and notice for this? Why did I find out only a month after your funeral?

Who is going to be my heroic Firemen/Paramedic to touch other lives now?
Didn't you say that you would show me around when I went there for my next vacation?
Didn't you say you were gonna show me how well you skied?

I know it's ridiculous for me to be this upset... but there was little that we wouldn't share with each other even though we weren't in the same continent. Who am I going to do that with now?

You didn't give me time D... you didn't give me a chance to thank you for coming into my life, to tell you that your verve for life, your aspirations for the future, and your love for mankind in general balanced me. Have I mentioned that every time we spoke, your stability solidified me? Just being near you brought about that rock solid foundation in me when I was ready to throw the towel in and give up.

This is surreal in the most morbid sense... I can still imagine you coming by, lifting my chin to see that quirky smile of yours, to say it's ok, everything's going to be alright, this is just part of life.

It's too late for me to say "Thank you for coming into my life", it's too late to say anything when you departed with such a finality. You left me with no recourse.

I can't say that I can accept or understand the loss of you but I do know that you are home with Our Lord right now and that we WILL meet again one day.

I need more time to come to grips with this... and though I don't want to say this:
Goodbye my dear friend...
Words fail me right now.
You have touched my life more deeply than you can ever imagine and
I am tormented that this finality doesn't give me a chance to tell you all that I wanted to, but know this:
I miss you terribly already
and you will be fondly remembered in time to come.
Till we next meet again...

A Farewell For Now

2006-08-22T23:43:00.000+08:00

She is finally leaving with Long Ge tonight. Long Ge is my nickname for her husband as his surname is Long.

We had a meetup over the weekend, that was my first time seeing Long Ge after 2 long years. He was in a really good mood. I guess the separation from her has been hard on him this past year, and he is glad that she can finally leave with him instead of her sending him off to the airport during his visit back home. I am really glad for the both of them. I empathised her brave fronts when she was alone over here whilst he was working way over there on a different time zone.

Anyways, we talked about it and she didn't want anyone to send her off at 3am on Wednesday. I think the real reason is more of her tendency to cry easily. Heck, she teared quite badly when I had to run off to Australia to sort my thoughts and didn't know when I would come back. We had breakfast that day, she prayed with me and just before I entered the check point, she started bawling.

I am guessing this time round, with a separation so definitive and so far away, we will spend most of our time crying instead of planning how we can meet in Adelaide come Chinese New Year 2007 or when I stopover in Kazakhstan on my way to East Europe again, or the two of us travelling together to France and UK if she is not preggers by 2007.

I hate changes like these. They leave one feeling close to bereft, akin to losing something really close to you. But after awhile, all these feelings calm down with the passing of time, to the point where it won't matter anymore. Oft times, the relationship you once had, would have changed by the time you meet again years later. Nothing one can do about it, time and life changes everything. Nothing stays the same forever. That much is true.

So this is just me, trying not to get weepy, knowing I will laugh at myself years later, or when I am recounting this night to her when we next meet.

Farewell Jan! Take care of yourself! I am really glad for you and your life. Take care of Long Ge and don't bully him so much eh? He really does love you with all that he has and can. I am but a phonecall away and my thoughts will be with you old friend!

It's Sappy Time!

2006-07-16T02:53:00.000+08:00

I am now stuck between two songs. I can't say for sure if it's partially because of the lyrics or it's partially because of the melody. Ah well, read for yourself and see if you can imagine what's going through my head as I'm listening to these two songs:

路口 by 蔡健雅
曲:柯贵民
词:陈绮贞

就当作这十一年的光阴蹉跎
我不再温习每次深情的交错
我们不过是各自转动的星球
拥抱著永恒的空洞

就当作你的离去起不了作用
我的心还完整的像一个黑洞
深深地把你吸附在无边宇宙
一抬起头就能够看见你
依然为我闪烁

走不出的路口
一个人一瞬间
淹没在人群中
寂寞的路口
一个人一转眼走进了回忆漩涡
在争吵的时候
也能从你最轻柔的手进入梦中

就当作你的离去起不了作用
我的心还完整的像一个黑洞
深深地把你吸附在无边宇宙
一抬起头就能够看见你
依然为我闪烁

走不出的路口
一个人一瞬间
淹没在人群中
寂寞的路口
一个人一转眼
走进了回忆漩涡
在争吵的时候
也能从你最轻柔的手
进入梦中

走不出的路口
一个人一瞬间
淹没在人群中
寂寞的路口
一个人一转眼
走进了回忆漩涡
在冰冷的时候你的温柔
总是能燃烧我炽热的感受

走不出的路口
一个人一瞬间
淹没在人群中
寂寞的路口

一个人一转眼
走进了回忆漩涡宁
愿不曾醒来
你就是我生命中
一个最深邃的梦
你是我生命中
转弯的路口
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

深信不疑 - 蔡健雅

寂寞习惯
变成自然
我走在大街上
整夜车灯辉煌
只剩思
念忽明忽暗
不再那么喧嚷
却不代表已释放
我还是深信不疑的回想
爱情不是偶然
经过了多少酝酿
让我们爱得那么狂
一半甜蜜一半感伤
叹相见恨晚

我还是深信不疑的联想
分手不是必然
因为自尊受了伤
所以才会那么惆怅
久久不能忘

多少话多少的梦想
现在还没有讲
多少年还有多少年
我才能够释放

我还是深信不疑的幻想爱情不是偶然
经过了多少酝酿
让我们爱得那么狂
一半甜蜜一半感伤
叹相见恨晚

我还是深信不疑的联想
分手不是必然
因为自尊受了伤
所以才会那么惆怅
久久不能忘

呼吸

2006-07-14T10:55:00.000+08:00

It took me some time but the lyrics to this sorta mesmerised me.
It isn't the best of what I've read... but there is empathy I suppose =)

呼吸 - 蔡健雅

呼吸呼吸没有你的空气也没有模糊我自己
和你分离让我更清醒
我轻轻呼吸呼吸这冰冷的空气

昨天在泪眼中远去有过温柔我会记得你
照片中依然有那天阳光里的温度
手心还握著淡淡的幸褔
那快乐太清楚才衬出现在的孤独
不能拥有全部只拥有回忆是受苦还是礼物

呼吸我需要多一点空气
思念几乎让人窒息沉溺漆黑无声的海底
我不能呼吸我需要多一点勇气
毕竟真心难以忘记我和寂寞越来越熟悉
说一句再见是那黱容易多久才能填满这冷清
别离的苦苦在回忆里还有甜蜜

我慢慢呼吸呼吸这冰冷的空气
昨天在泪眼中远去有过温柔我会记得你
走出了这一场迷雾阳光还有温度每一场离别
当时都仓促是距离让人领悟
昨天在泪眼中远去有过温柔
回首这风雨微笑竟然是我最常想起的表情

A Date with Autumn

2006-06-14T20:00:00.000+08:00

I had to blog this in two parts well... cause I had a little difficulty sorting through my thoughts over the week.

12th June:
A little cloud misted over my vision recently. I was talking to a friend when he asked what I was up to for the day. I said I seemed to have triple booked myself for I had lunch plans with my extended family, a birthday dinner and a couple of drinks till 11pm. There was supposed to be drinks with another bunch of friends after midnight that day but it was subsequently pushed to sunday. He asked if I wanted to watch The Omen. I wasn't too keen to spend the night glancing over my shoulder in fear, within the confines of my own room, so I said I would go only if it was for Xmen.

He said he would get the tickets then. We met and well... it was disconcerting. It felt like ... well... it felt like a date. It dawned on me only when I was sitting in the movie theatre. All the signs of a juvenile first date surfaced... or at least it seemed so to me. I won't embarrass myself further by describing what those signs were but it made my eyebrow arch a tad. Yes... just a tad.

I feel embarrassed and ancient beyond my time. Why? I hear someone ask nonchalantly? Well... personally I feel a little too old for this song and dance routine. I am also tired. I want things as simple and transparent for awhile.

Fastforward to 14th Jun: We spoke again today and the bomb I have been waiting for finally dropped. He asked me point blank if he thought we had a chance in hell. I had to be honest. I told him that I have no propensity to care for anything or one other than myself.

I think he said ok or something. I don't remember. I just remember a detachment when I said it.

Well... the conclusion of the story is that we are watching yet another movie tomorrow. This is before I am supposed to meet friends for another birthday and drinks session.

I think after all the birthdays I am celebrating for the whole world... when it's my turn, I shall crawl into my hidey hole to hide for the day. hehe

Japanese Course

2006-06-08T21:34:00.000+08:00

I have been toying with the idea of trying out an apparently new system of learning Japanese for some time now.

In this scientific method of teaching which is patented in Japan, they try to impart the conjugation of verbs right from the start so there is relatively little need to memorise entire sentences (which is also something I find myself doing for slightly more complicated French).

Today, B called. He asked if I was still interested in taking up this course. I told him I was game as long as we start the course in July. B was so excited about this that he called me immediately after a couple of sms exchange. He said the most feasible would be 9 July, which is a Sunday. It is rare to see B get this excited about something. He is so excited about it that he said he would fax me the application form first thing tomorrow morning.

Ok... so I guess I will be learning Japanese soon. Sugoy-i...

The Upcoming Week

2006-06-07T21:45:00.000+08:00

Ok as of today, plans for the weekend is full again.

Dinner and drinks with colleagues on Friday.
A cozy birthday dinner on Sat with Dor and Jan. Followed by Drinks at 11ish 12 with drinker buddy (Not another case of double booking again I hope)
Sunday... bake maybe? But definitely a day for rest and an alkie-free day.

Next weekend... I will be jetting off again from the 16th.
This trip though, is my final time spent with Jan before she moves to Kazakhstan with her husband. We did make plans for me to travel up to Kazakhstan next year. She made mention that she might join me in my plans to visit Russia. But then again, she might be preggers by then so ... we shall see. I can't quite fathom how we can travel together for we have very different travel habits. She is more goal oriented and cautious. I am more laissez faire and bold (or stupid as some might call it).

Over the weekend, I found out a friend's dad had passed away and I asked if he wanted to meet me on the trip for a dinner and a hug. He seemed to be taking it quite hard and perhaps all I can really do as a friend, is just to sit there and give him a firm hug, telling him it will really get better with time. I feel badly that I am unable to squeeze the time to visit him personally to express my sympathies. His dad's passing brought back memories of how badly I took my nanny's death 12 years ago. This might also be why I feel it is important for friends to just be around during these difficult times.

I am also trying to find the time to squeeze in dinner with ex's best friend and his wife and their newborn. I do not think it is possible at this point in time but then again, they have been on hold for at least a month now.

I know I should take the time to pace myself and schedule some quiet time in. But I think I am now in the 'Let's Go Out and Come Home Doggone Tired!' phase. Being this busy is a good thing right?

My MOS Excess Night

2006-06-07T21:03:00.000+08:00

So... eluding have I been, of the culmination of drinks with the colleagues drinking session, which is a party for 12 pax at Ministry of Sound (MOS) on 2nd June 2006. For some of us, it was the first time into MOS ever since it opened. For me, it was stepping into an actual club after years of retirement that was refreshing.

We had 9.30pm reservations at PURE Room, however when we arrived, we were told PURE would not be open till 11pm. We were told to hang out in the disco first and after that, we could transfer to PURE. Upon which, I was promptly ushered to pay for the 2 bottles of liquor we had to order in order to reserve 2 er... beds at PURE. After we seated ourselves at SMOOTH with our drinks, we were later told we couldn't bring our two bottles into PURE. It was fortunate I had a little booze in me to calm down before I really lost it. I do not think I promptly signed over $450 of booze only to be told I could or couldn't do this or that. Especially not when I had to arrive at the club like a doofus at 9.30pm. They managed to resolve this matter for me and the night continued.

I was slightly mortified when I realised that 85% of those present were not really drinkers, nor were they familiar with drinking games. After a quick knowing glance with my closest work buddy, she knew she had to assume the role of Imp No. 1 and promptly started the ball rolling. She made everyone down two glass of my favourite Martell with Green Tea.

Following this, I am happy to report that, Imp No. 2 (ahem.. that would be moi), taught them a couple of sure fire games, guaranteed to make them drink loads as punishment. After a couple of rounds, I am glad to report that we made it into PURE with our 1.25 bottles of liquor intact (I tried to upload an image of PURE but Blogger has been wonky for the past 2 days I think?).

It was really comfortable in PURE. The plush cushion managed to seat all 12 of us comfortably, with more fun and revelery to pursue. We finished both bottles in record time and followed this with a couple more jugs of booze. Strangely, we still had a carafe of mixer left over and no more liquor to mix it with. Check out how comfortable PURE is... (Ok check it out WHEN and IF Blogger manages to fix this upload pics prob)

In the end, only one of the girls got a little high but other than that, no great big puking scenes, sobbing dumped girls or even overly happy people resulted. There seemed to have been some underlying reason of why we were there and something was definitely happening between the guy in my department and a new girl. Albeit not in the romantic sense... something was just happening that isn't quite convenient for me to relate here (Yes... not even on the internet, where everyone thinks they can really remain anonymous). We decided at 2am that the old folks needed their rest and started leaving. I left with a colleague who resided in my vicinity, with a stopover for them to have supper.

I suspect the older you get, you grow more resistant to liquor for I managed to shower, and read till just before dawn.

Weekend of Excesses

2006-05-29T00:37:00.000+08:00

Gosh... I just realised that at the rate this weekend seems to be going, I might just turn out to be an alkie (Translation: Alcoholic).

It started out without pre-planning. I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner and light drinks after. However, after being stuck in a conference room all day with 11 others, with the exception of tonnes of 5 minute breaks in between, a colleague ran to me the minute I stepped out from the conference room. She asked if I had plans that night. I said I had dinner plans but it would not stretch very late. In the end, 2 of my colleagues and I ended up going to meet my dinner date. I was unsure of how I could mesh the dinner date and colleagues together but things turned out well and I had dinner with colleagues instead. I felt kinda bad coz I had sorta double booked in a way but then again, friend and I never agreed to anything more than dinner and a drink in the same restaurant.

We had dinner at Crystal Jade and after exchanging two kilograms of grouses, we proceeded to Holland V for drinks. Turns out it was crowded so we sorta ended in Emerald Hill Acid Bar. Hmmm... I was surprised that one of the party animals doesnt really drink and the other woman who is married with 2 kids, drinks like a fish.

Saturday was another day of shopping and drinks. I literally crawled away at 1am pleading that I was comatose (yeah right!)

Today (Sunday), a colleague mentioned that she would be in my area for a class and we made plans to meet for shopping and dinner thereafter. She invited another colleague along and the other invited JW from my dept and that is how the 4 of us ended at Wine Connection for wine and champagne. I had my favourite White Wine from Sauternes, France. Might I add that this is one of my favourite white wine that tastes like freshly er... brewed? minted? honey. Utterly sublime. Following this was the harsh brut of a champagne for they did not have any Rose Champagne. I take this opportunity to inform all interested that Wine Connection at Robertson Quay (Mohd Sultan area) has port wines by the glass and is relatively inexpensive. =)

We crawled away, sated with shopping, dinner, wine and champagne. All in all, not a bad weekend.

It seems that lately, my colleagues and I are hanging out together quite often. We seem to be doing a lot of things together lately. Just the other day, the new PR guy asked me out for a movie and in the end, after I started calling others, it was us 3 from my dept and the PR Guy. We had dinner thereafter. Mere days before that, CC and I were out together for a side shopping excursion.

With the GSS happening, I am rather certain that there are gonna be more shop, dinner and drink trips. We already have MOS (Ministry of Sound) planned for 2nd June. I will then be leaving with Janice and her entire ancestry line on 16th June. Soon after that, colleagues and I have the chalet booked for 30th June.

With this much comaraderie, there is also bound to be tonnes of goss (gossip) flying back and forth. Who is being ill-treated by whom, who is trying to get into the good books of whom, etc. There is also a great big SCANDAL going on and like some, I am gonna sit in the sidelines to watch it unfold. Rest assured that I will have on protective gear with the words 'Spectator' emblazoned on my chest armour and head gear. No way in hell will I be drawn into this.

*sigh* In 4 years, this has been the first time I have seen staff from the company that close knit. I wonder if this is a good or bad thing.

Dark Skies

2006-05-28T12:30:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning and whilst groggy, took a look out the front door. The skies outside were spectacularly dark . So much so, the buildings had an ethereal brightness to it despite a visually missing Sun.

I had to snap a couple of pics to remember it by.
Have I ever mentioned how I love the weather just before it rains? Everything seems to stop and with bated breath, everyone waits for confirmation of an impending storm. The weather cools down considerably, there are gusts of cool winds blowing, everything becomes silent, the World looks tamer and less domineering.

Now, I am aware that in most countries, a storm is the least favourite weather and it is nothing like a storm in the tropics. But then again, living in constant heat and humidity, people like me do get a little reprieve every once in awhile.

I dislike when the skies finally split open and rain spills. The magic of the impending storm is no longer an uncertainty. The finality has been revealed. Everyone breathes easier when the rain is here. Most times, people sigh. Knowing that with the rain, a portion of their freedom has been cut and they have to wait the rain out.

I have to put in the disclaimer that whilst I deplore the Thunders that come with most storms, it is true that I am a Lightning Streak Fan. I am mesmerised by the flashes of lightning that are so random and obscure. I am thoroughly in love with the freestyling patterns of Lightning Streaks. I have tonnes of pictures taken by photographers, of the many different colours, streaks and scenarios of lightning streaks. Given a chance though, I would not want to be standing beside the photographers risking life and limb to take such award winning pictures. (Might be due to some saying the Chinese have about how Lightning will strike the Evil? Thus villians like me, should always stay indoors during a thunderstorm for fear of being struck down dead. Ha!)

Anyways, here are a couple of other pics I took today, along with some pics I think should win awards:

And these are pics I love, deserving of Awards (Pics are from Webshots Gallery):

Johnson's Baby 'No Tears' Shower Foam & Another MLM Scam

2006-05-24T23:48:00.000+08:00

I decided to take a shower to wash off the 'ick' from the dinner I just had with an ex-colleague. I accidentally flicked my loofah a little and whaddaya know? A glob of shower foam went splat into my right eye. I decided now would be a good time to blind myself so I told self to be brave "Self... Be Brave!" and opened my right eye to see if it would burn my retinas into oblivion. Amazingly enough, there was only a smidgeon of discomfort whilst eye could remain open without rinsing and no, I did not end up blind.
Johnson's Baby's claim of No Tears lives to its name.

Earlier, I met an ex-colleague of mine for dinner. She started drinking some stuff lately and was losing weight. I was being half polite when I asked the obligatory "Oh? Pray tell!". She suggested we go to this semi vegan little eatery in Suntec City, called Indinine. Being the sort to go to war if there isn't at least one meat dish on the table, I grudgingly agreed... very very grudgingly.

To be frank, the food was excellent. This is not your typical vegetarian foodfare, trying hard to imitate meat dishes with bountiful of gluten. The food within the menu was relatively inexpensive yet tasty and it basically was food without meat.

Examples of dishes were what we ordered to share:
Penne Al Fredo Cream without the ham,
Stir Fried Udon noodles with peppers and mushrooms,
Gyoza without the pork but with something that tastes like pork and it sure as heck didn't taste like gluten.
Salad with tonnes of stuff that tastes and smells like bacon bits

I am impressed! First ever pseudo vegan meal I had that I wanna go back to.

After dinner, friend started talking about my health and mentioned that there was more to just one product in order to lose a couple of inches. I then had the sinking feeling that she was onto some MLM scam and I have just been made a victim.

I had to oblige and enter MLM Hell in Suntec Tower 2 to be talked to, as is characteristic of MLM Scammers. I listened, nodded and smiled politely, whilst keeping all daggers sheathed and away. I managed to depart with my cash and sanity intact.

In the cab, I explained to her yet again that the one industry I truly deplore would be the MLM Scammers. I detest the Big-Fish-Eat-Little-Fish theory. I detest the MLM multi-millionaires lounging by their posh swimming pools, swathed by a garden area of 65hectares, leading into a Playboy mansion measuring approximately 130hectares, give or take a couple of hundred hectares. All this whilst the little fish, dart left and right, endangering their entire phonebook of friends and family, trying to sell them products they swear work. Then showing you two thousand pieces of testimonials from people who have tried the product. I absolutely hate that they are waxing lyrical to you of how life was ten levels worse than hell before they tried this product.

This friend of mine told me to ignore the fact that it is a MLM selling this product. Said if the product works, why not just buy it for consumption to lose weight and not worry about having to sell 10,000 packs before being able to earn commission.

I told her that even if this product were guaranteed by Lee Kwan Yew, I would forego and suffer the opportunity cost, simply because it is a MLM scheme. I reasoned that if an MLM has a 100 million turnover in 5 years, with testimonials from Stage 3B Cancer patients, who turned around one day after consuming said product, and discovered no more cancerous lumps or tumors, then why are the MLM Scammers not toasted as medical geniuses and the whole world worshipping the ground they walk on?

To me, MLM has so many monumental flaws in its business guise (Remember: Big Fish Sloths, Little Fish Slogs) that I am surprised there are still people willing to be sucked in.

Ok well, they say there is one born every minute. *sigh*

Quiet Solstice

2006-05-21T10:33:00.000+08:00

As mentioned to a select few, I have started shying away from social commitments. I can't put my finger on when and why this started, but it has.

I was asked out for a movie, shopping spree, drinks at Gotham Penthouse and drinks at Guest Haus... none of which I turned up for. Dang!

I gave myself the excuse that I had to work on Sunday (today) and had to get up earlier to get ready and bring my bag of clothes, make-up and various paraphernalia. But in truth, there is really nothing much I need to get ready. Just bring my clothes and a little make up and I am good to go.

Hmmm... I should really start to push self out the door. If not for anything else but to stop self from being such a loner these days. Actually I did that during the Taipei trip. Forced myself to get out and be with people. Hoping that at least with a different view and climate, I might be able to enjoy myself around people more. I think it turned out waaaay way wrong. I didn't really enjoy the general company although I did enjoy most of the time with my colleague. She can be really enjoyable company if she sets her mind to it and just relaxes. It's when she starts getting antsy, overly bf protective (even when walking down the street) and dependant that she starts to grate on my one last remaining nerve. But in general, I must say she is quite a sweetie despite all that I've said. It's just me and what I feel.

So anyways, it is now Sunday and I have to leave for the damned awards in 3.5 hours. *yawn* I don't wanna goooooo! For the sake of the extra off day, I am going back to work with 3 other girls tomorrow however late tonight's event might end. The off day is going to be used to spend one last 'alone' time with my best bud. It will be a celebration of our friendship before she goes off to join her hubs in Kazakhstan, a celebration of her birthday. *sigh*

We were supposed to hit Genting and generally just walk around. In the end, when she mentioned this to her family, everyone got on board so now her ENTIRE family together with husbands, in-laws and kids are joining us. She assures me that we will generally be alone barring meal times. I guess it is ok since I've grown up with her family and 3 other sisters most of my teenage life. It doesn't matter much to me either ways... if I feel it is getting too much, I will do what I do best, walk away and enjoy alone time.

Well... that's as 'exciting' as this blog will get... have a good one everyone else!

Casual Fridays

2006-05-18T22:15:00.000+08:00

As has always been the practice in my company, my department does not have the luxury of dressing down on any given day of the week. Not even if you are on half day's leave. This is because my department has direct contact with the world 'outside' and quite often, have meetings with both locals and international counterparts.

Imagine my surprise today, when the CEO sent out an email to all of us. He mentioned that someone asked why we didn't have casual Fridays and he has only now, remembered the issue.

He explained that he was the one who ruled out the wearing of jeans on Fridays in 1994, stating what I mentioned in Para 1. However, upon 'grave' consideration, he has decided it is time we started following the trends into a more people friendly environment and has allowed jeans on casual Fridays. Of course, being Mr Decorum himself, he stressed that overly explicit clothing is still frowned upon, along with slippers, sandals etc..

I look forward to casual Fridays now, not so much because I wish to flash my bling around the office or potter around as though I were home. I look forward to the tiny baby steps we will move onto next. Be it another 12 years or so...

Hell Hath No Fury

2006-05-16T19:07:00.000+08:00

I am still in semi shock from the call I received slightly after lunch today. My thoughts may not be very coherent so bear with me. I gotta set a couple of background scenarios so you can fully comprehend the story I am about to relate.

Background One
I was coerced by a couple of ex-school mates to join some site connecting people all over the world. The minute you do that, all the contacts of friends are then cross-referenced to your own contact list to see what degree of friends you have in common and so on. Anyways, I realised later on that this also led to tonnes of people surfing thru my site and sending msgs to be friends. It couldav been some sorta 'Pick A Girl' past time for some of the more pathetic ones. *sigh*

One such msg came from a friend of a friend, X. X started off innocent enough. Having things to say rather than a silly pick up line. He got interested in what I did for a living and started asking work related issues then. I got the impression that he wanted to be a friend so he could get free professional advice from me, which was just fine with me. We even exchanged HP numbers on an occassion whilst he was working on some project that required my professional expertise.

When he later started hinting at wanting something more physical than just a friendship, I stopped taking him seriously. He became someone I never gave two thoughts to more than the usual Hi and Bye. The faux salutations carried on for over a year. To be frank, because I didn't do more than say hello in reply to his, I don't know much about him as a person. I did know however, that he was hiding more than he was eluding to. I just wasn't bothered to find out what it was.

Background Two
During my trip to Taipei, I received several calls from a number I did not recognize, followed by several from a private number. I never once picked up those calls just because I didn't feel like it.

The Shock
Well the other shoe dropped today. I received a call from my office line soon after lunch. When I picked up the call, I heard a guy's rather loud pleas "Nade! Don't do this Nade! PLEASE NADE... I beg of you Nade!" This went on for quite awhile and I didn't want to hang up the phone as it was rude to do so to a business call. Soon after, I heard a female voice. She said hello a couple of times before loud male pleas drowned out her voice. I was wondering if she was calling me at a bad time and if she wouldn't rather call me later, after she had resolved whatever it was happening at the time.

Anyways, it soon unfolded. She asked if I have corresponded with a person by the handle name X. She proceeded to apologize for disturbing me and putting me on the spot. She said she has already warned him once before that he really shouldn't go online and say such things. She said it was disrespectful. He was still hollering at her side, telling her not to say so much to me and to stop explaining.

I on the other hand, was having difficulty comprehending what she was really saying. Did she really think he went online solely for virtual flirting and it was this that she wasn't too happy with? Or was she trying to say in not so many words, that she knew he was being unfaithful to her. Anyways, she asked if I took him seriously. I told her of course I didn't, which was why we never met. He was screaming at her side, saying that he lied about everything and that we never met. I was like "Oh my gosh! That mustav been quite some lunch, this isn't really happening. I CANNOT be taken to be a third party when I haven't done or intended to do anything."

Anyways, she said that she has a couple of the messages he sent me on record. I told her then she could infer from those messages that I didn't respond to him in kind. She then asked if he has ever once told me he had a wife and kids. That was when time stood still. Gosh! WIFE and kids? I was silent for moments before whispering:"OMG! You are his WIFE?" She replied that she was... I told her I was sorry for her. This seemed to have been a slap across her face for she drew a sharp intake of breath before repeating "Sorry for me?".

I said "It must be tough on you to have to verify on what he is doing online and going through a list now can't be easy. This is what I am sorry about". She proceeded to say that there is no list and he says that I am the only one. I knew then that it must be the heat from lunch that fried my brains, causing this illusionary nightmare now. How could I be the only one targetted when he has always bragged about his regular fuck buddies? I haven't even met the sod nor have I ever once entertained anything about being a fuck buddy. Good Lord! A wife and kids and he hunts online? Geez! The poor wife! What must she be feeling?!!

Anyways, I told her that I have no romantic notions toward her husband and that I never intended to meet him despite whatever messages he may have sent me. I told her that I never knew about him having a wife and kids but didn't mention that he has maintained that he was single and has not met the right one to date. I told her that we could meet in person if she wanted to and that I was really sorry that she was going through this right now. All through our entire conversation, he was pathetically begging for her to stop doing this. I don't think I have seen a man more pathetic than what I have heard during our entire tele-conversation.

She said she believes me for I sound sincere (how else would I sound when this is the truth?) and that she doesn't need to bother me further by meeting up. I told her to take care of herself and not to keep apologizing. I understand her need to verify this and that I will be around if she requires more answers.

I hung up absolutely bewildered. This happens only to people who have been guilty. I have never heard of the innocent being ensnared in such a treacherous pseudo-adulterous situation. Gosh... I wouldn't mind such a call if I had really been an innocent but naughty participant. Then I got a little miffed at having been put into the role of an adulterer. Geez... the nerve of that sod! As if!

Anyways, I then concluded that those calls I received whilst in Taipei must have been from her then. I don't even know her name and number. It was one of those rare situations where I had nothing to say then but a trillion to say and ask later. I wanted to ask her what she was asking me in the afternoon and what she really wanted to know.

Did she want to know:
1) If I believed all that he said online and was in love with her husband?
2) Or was she really asking if we had been intimate for real?

Does that mean that she doesn't really approve of him flirting online but didn't think it was that big a deal? If that were the case, could a woman really be that naive and think online flirting always ended there?

Anyways, I don't think I helped her much either ways. I pray for her sanity and her life together with her kids thereafter. There isn't much else I can tell her that would give her any real comfort and security. I just pray that she really considers again giving her life to such a man and that she decides to leave him sooner rather than later. From what I am hearing, I do not think she is going to leave him at all. *Sigh*

Are woman usually the ones on the receiving end of infidelity?
I thank the stars above in my firm belief that no one fully understands what it means to say "I Do" and "Forever" at the altar. Goodness... and people keep hounding me to get married.

Nay I say! I respectfully pass this option if this is a peek glance at what is to come.

A Brief Fling with Taipei

2006-05-15T15:40:00.000+08:00

My colleague who was leaving for Taiwan tempted me last week, with the prediction that Taipei's temperature over the weekend was in the region of a cool 20 degree celsius and below. Forces within my world were in a turmoil between visiting an Asian country *eeps!* and relaxing in a cool if not wintery weather *oooh!*. In the end, cool climate achieved a hairline win.

Since I joined colleague, her beau and two other guys at the last minute, my trip was dependant on the waiting list for a return flight on the 15th and was confirmed 2 days before I was due to fly. I went via EVA Air because all other airlines demanded my firstborn as payment for having the audacity to attempt a flight out during the public holiday, long weekend season.

Our departure times were the same, although it was sheer insanity that they wanted to meet at 10 in the morning when our flight was at 1.10pm. The only reason I met them this early was because I wanted to be the first one at the check-in queue, precisely 2 hours before flight time. I was determined to lay claim to the window seat by the emergency exit.

For those who mock me for demanding this 'luxury' on such a short flight, lemme pre-empt by saying I have always had passengers from hell sitting in front of me and by the time I landed, I would almost always, fight the strongest of urges to leave carcass trails from my homebase to the designated destination. Always. Every single time. Bad seat = Passengers from Hell In Front of Me.

We stayed at the Y which was smack in the centre of everything. There were 5 of us sharing the suite with an almost non-existent miniscule balcony so we could inhale our little cancer sticks, 5 in a straight row, with hardly any space to turn around. Taipei was everything I expected, smoggy, tonnes of main street with connecting alleyways, good food albeit laced with a localised flavour that takes some getting used to. Plenty of petite little women wearing either an asortment of layered tops, or lace in their apparrel including Tees and generally style genres that practically hollers "Kawai!! with a Victory sign close to lips".

We spent our paltry days doing the usual touristy route, sightsee, eat and shop. I think AT and I went into overdrive with the 铁蛋 (Literally translated: steel eggs. These are basically flavourful hard-boiled quail or chicken eggs infused with tea and sometimes flavoured with herbs and spices) and an assortment of 土产 (local delicacies). I went with a miniscule trolley luggage and came back with a 1mtr x 1mtr straw bag and a duffle. Most of the baggage I brought back contained edible foodstuff and stuff I generally can't get back home. Things like 2 tins of Instant Matcha with Milk, Green Bean flavoured Milk (don't mock it till you try it), Matcha Mochi Cake (Sakura too), half of Taipei's 铁蛋 production, 15 bowls of Beef Instant Noodles (w/ real beef in it!), some black sesame, 小米, and assorted crisy rice cracker, Candy shaped like a box of feminine product and a pack of cigarettes, 5 cutesy little danglies to hang on handphones (these tiny danglies are shaped like a segment of the bamboo with carved wishes on them, such as 和睦, 吉星高照, 避邪, 如意, 四季平安), 3 pairs of shoes, couple of cotton boxer shorts and 4 tops.

I had expected my experience with the Taiwanese to be pretty brusque but was pleasantly surprised that most were pretty affable, polite, had no bad breath nor body odours, generally helpful. The thing I did not expect was to be taken as a local and hence, I was not allowed the usual excuse that I was a tourist and didn't know better if I acted outtav the social Taiwanese norms.

I met quite a lot of locals who started rattling to me in slang Mandarin and Hokkien and since I understood most of it, I tried my best to reply in as succinct a Mandarin as I could muster. They seemed to understand me ok although I must admit I couldn't speak with the same fluency and speed as the locals. I didn't speak to them in English simply because I didn't want them to feel bad or get flustered and worse, feel inadequate when I fail to comprehend what they are saying in English (I found that to be the case on the rare occassions I resorted to English). Most of the locals will turn to stare whenever I spoke to my mates in English. They do the second glance and try to suss where we are from. Oft times, after they realise that they have been speaking to a non-taiwanese after half an hour, they compliment us on being able to speak Mandarin and Hokkien. Phew!

Generally, I did enjoy the food and shopping there but I must admit that to date, I have not had a chance to savour the 臭豆腐 simply because the smell seems to drive AT nuts.

I must say that I rather enjoyed the food street shopping in 乌来. Everything there was so aboriginal and ethnic. We trekked the mountain to see the waterfalls but what impressed me most was the clouds covering the mountain tops. The temperature and windchill required more than a Tee but I guess trekking helped to keep the body warm. AT and I were waiting for the guys to get back and we started to people watch. She couldn't get over how the ladies there wore heels and what must be their best dress to climb up a mountain. We even saw one that donned a mini skirt & heels but had a top with a sweater to boot. I was wondering if one wanted to protect their body, wouldn't they automatically keep legs and toes warm first tho? Their heels and skirts on a mountain don't really bug me much though. Difference in lifestyle / cultural experiences I guess?

I had to get up early today to catch my flight at 7.40am. Thank goodness too for I wasn't looking forward to the aspect of being stared at, trudging along with my embarrassingly enormous 1mtr x 1mtr straw bag, emblazoned with Winnie the Pooh, Piglet and Eeyore (Trust me, this was the best I could do from the shops in XiMenDing).

The flight back was a harrowing one nonetheless. Sometime during takeoff, the overhead cabins in the section in front of mine started oozing a brown liquid that flowed along the length of the cabins, ultimately dripping onto a few unsuspecting passengers. I was a little alarmed and pointed to the leaks just behind the aircrew sitting in front of me. As this was during takeoff, the air crew advised the passengers to remain in their seats till we were safely in the air. There was a frenzy as passengers started using what was available to them to contain the drips from the overhead cabins. This invariably turned out to be the little pillows and blankets some of them had requested earlier. The stench from the brown liquid was also getting a little nauseating. I wondered if this was where my final travel sojourn would end as thoughts of the last crash during a similar takeoff in Taiwan came to mind.

Strangely enough, the air crew seemed to think it was liquid from someone's luggage stored overhead. This seemed to be highly improbable for if it was a leak in someone's bag, it wouldn't have dripped only during takeoff. I started wondering if the air crew in EVA airlines were really equipped with adequate training. Anyways, the temporary measure then was for them to tape large absorbant paper towels over the spots where the leaks started.

They searched the overhead cabins and not surprisingly, didn't find any bag that was leaking nor a stench there. The same thing happened again upon landing and the drips again occurred in the same section, only this time from new spots. In the end, I think one of the senior staff offered passengers in the affected section, seats in the business class. Most of them shot off to these seats in a hurry even though they probably wouldn't get a chance to warm the seats from the time the plane touched down and taxied to the alloted space.

Hmmm... note to self, although EVA airlines didn't demand for my firstborn on this fully packed flight, staying alive to land in destination of choice might be an issue.

P.S. Pics to follow in later entries. Wanna catch a snooze after all that unpacking and laundry.

The Christmas Past

2006-05-06T12:00:00.000+08:00

Well, guess it is official, the nightmares are back.

Slept from 7am and when I awoke at 10ish, I still remember what the dreams were about. These aren't nightmares where one wakes up in cold sweat. It is just something I do not wish to think about.

Hmmm... ah well.

Helloo Cabbie (Part Deux)

2006-05-04T17:17:00.000+08:00

If you have read my Helloo Cabbie blog, you will then understand the dread when I had to flag the same cab again. Truth be told, I have been waiting for 15 minutes in the hot sun and was about to give up hopes of flagging a cab off the side of the road.

Along came this shiny silver cab and I thought he wouldn't stop coz he was in the centre lane. I just raised my arm and flagged for him when I saw he had no passenger in his cab. When he switched lanes to stop for me, I looked in and had to force a smile for my driver for today was none other than terror cabbie.

Anyways, when I stepped into the cab, his first words to me were: 我以为你在搞失踪 (Roughly translated to mean that he hasn't seen me around for awhile now). Resigned, I had to give him a smile for he was afterall, my shining scrap metal for this evening.

He started talking in dialect to me today. Sigh. Which part of me indicates that I can speak dialect well? I was forced to intersperse my broken dialect with mandarin and English.

He then asked if I imbibed alcohol, to which I promptly said no. I had a sinking feeling where this conversation was leading to. He then said in an off-the-cuff manner that he was thinking of asking me out for drinks. (Incidentally, my colleagues are planning a drink session tomorrow)

I firmly added that I didn't drink which to some extent is true. I don't enjoy alcohol for a variety of reasons these days.

When I finally arrived at my destination, he said: 跟你很好 keng leh (it is always pleasant to talk to you!) afterwhich he gave me meaningful stares from his rearview mirror. I think he was waiting for me to respond or even give him my telephone number. This is the same cabbie that is probably nearing his 50s?I gave a faint forced smile, paid him and ran for my life.

No, cabbie is not a menace or a stalker. But I dislike his advances. I dislike it even more that someone as old as him think Im fodder for his age group. Ok truth be told, perhaps I even dislike him thinking that he and I could be friends. We have absolutely nothing in common and c'mon, I seriously cannot forsee myself having a friend of his age group. I feel insulted somehow. Yes, I agree I am being extremely superficial but then again, I have never been one to join the picket line for equal rights and the no-caste system.

I was sighing in exasperation when I suddenly thought of my earlier blog Meeting The One . Good Lord... if this is what is in store for me, then let's END IT HERE AND NOW.

I can only pray now that he doesn't take it upon himself to actually ask for my number. Please no Mr Cabbie. Don't even go there.

Family Violence

2006-04-29T12:50:00.000+08:00

I was bringing out a cheesecake from the oven in the kitchen, when sounds of a fight from my new neighbours were heard. These new neighbours consist of a male, a female and a baby. I have heard my dad comment previously that the local-male seems to hit the non-local female fairly often and she is always screaming and wailing as a result.

I stood in the kitchen and listened to her wails. Perhaps it's because she's not a local and I am unfamiliar with the 'norms' of her countrymen, but her wails were like bloodcurdling shrieks and soon after, the baby started crying. I heard the male scream something at her a couple of times, and her wailing grew in decimals with her saying something like "Don't want!!!"

Sometimes, hearing things like these make me wonder if I should be calling social services for the kid's sake. What kind of a future do you think the baby has when he/she starts to grow up? Is the kid gonna turn out to be violent or argumentative as well?

I have decided many times henceforth that unless I hear/see him battering the wife and kid, to leave this matter well alone. Afterall, I may not have the full facts of what is really happening within the house and I could be mistaken (what if this is their version of a foreplay? Har...won't I be embarrassed then!)

My conscience doesn't allow me to let it go though. All is good and well if nobody is getting bashed behind those walls, but on the ocassion that she is really getting bashed or the kid is really being ill-treated... could I live with myself?

That is another question for another day I guess.

Floggers and Me

2006-04-28T01:32:00.000+08:00

I have recently decided that in a bid to distract myself, I will read, bake and resume my animes. I have since discovered the wonderful world of Food Bloggers, affectionately termed Floggers.

I have also realised something about certain Flogs I frequent. They have a deep seated emotion I empathise with. Isn't it intriguing how like seems to draw like together?

The more interesting discovery is that I am also reading a couple of flogs by gays. They opened up a whole new world to me. I realised that along with some common characteristics gay people all seem to encompass, they can be quite the opposite when compared to a relationship consisting of a girl and a guy.

With a gay couple, the roles are much more clearly defined. The dominant is the one who brings home the bacon and the submissive (are those the PC words in describing partners?) are the ones who experiment in the kitchen.

With a male and female couple, the females sometimes fight tooth and nail to be recognised for what she is, an equal partner. Gays seldom seem to have such insecurities. They respect each other for their strengths and there is no power struggle within, whilst dominant and submissive roles are observed.

I applied this internally and realised that I have much to learn in the ways of Power. Perhaps I could blame this on a childhood where I felt abandoned. Or perhaps it is time I did an overhaul. I digress.

My latest passion thus far are reading the more interesting flogs and then re-creating the receipes as best I can. No worries about an expanding waistline though, I seldom eat my creations, however tempting it might seem. At most, there is a taste test to ensure that no one falls victim to an innocuous cheesecake, perhaps laden with cyanide.

I created a separate flog to track my creations, selecting a name so far fetched, few who read my blog or know me, can ever fathom or trace back to me (I have an aggro reputation to upkeep afterall).

Next step would be to pray for a better digital cam so that the concoctions come out as good as it tastes. Yes, unabashed symptoms surfacing.

Uh Oh!

2006-04-27T00:28:00.000+08:00

Just got back from a company retreat in Bintan. Whilst I can't say it was thoroughly enjoyable with the heat and humidity, I can't bring myself to say that I was miserable there either (Ok Ok I was miserable during the seminars).

I did however, realised a familiar feeling stealthily creeping up on me, over the past few days... the sinking sensation of an ominous feel that I have been trying to rid for quite awhile now.

Yep... that sinking sensation in the pit of the stomach, making its way up, is back. I won't give that sensation its due by calling it what it is...

Whatever the case is, it's back and I'm afraid.

Maybe I'm gonna just let it ride out and hopefully it will be gone soon enough without me having to do anything.

Pray for me folks...

Farewell Acey! Welcome Home You!

2006-04-15T13:09:00.000+08:00

Looking back, of all strangers that I have allowed to cross my path, I reaslied one thing. I have always been fortunate to meet the good kinds.

Perhaps it's just my highly attuned EQ or even women's intuition (yes, I seem to be bragging) at work here, but I have never met a "bad" stranger. Those I have allowed into my life, have always been the opposite of me in character. They are always sedate, down-to-earth, mild temperaments, more sheltered in life than I, lack spontaneity in life, resolute and last but not least, passionate yet not emotional. Collectively however, we share common traits like fierce loyalty, trustworthiness and supernatural resilience.

Before I start giving off impressions that I am comfortable with meeting strangers, I am not. I am the most cautious person when it comes to meeting a stranger face-to-face. I do not allow strangers into my life easily. I do however, place utmost trust in my instincts when summing a person.

In my most despondent of times, I came across one such stranger. He amuses me the most to date, for I have never met/read one who's character and writing flair are as different as day and night. Maybe I have not really taken the time to know many writers but for someone whom I have had several communication misses with, he writes fantastically well. His writing flair has been something I have always sought but, given my character, will not be able to achieve.

His complete and sincere concern in my well-being, leaves me wondering sometimes why he cares when he has no hidden agendas in his motives besides wanting to be just a friend.

I can't say that our characters gel as complete opposites and we sometimes irritate each other no end, but I am pleasantly surprised that at the end of his outbound journey, we will likely remain friends for life.

By now, Acey has most likely stepped onto a homebound plane for the last time, leaving parting words for a few, including myself. Simple words with a deep resonance.

Well Acey... here's wishing you the very best in what you hope to accomplish back home and that you find what I cannot achieve for now. I am comforted that you will be embarking on a brand new journey very soon and that I may have the chance to witness a few of these adventures together with you.

Goodbye Acey... thank you for the light at the end of the tunnel!
Welcome Home you!

Snow in Prague

2006-04-09T13:35:00.000+08:00

I was feeling the heat blast through me after having spent 10 minutes in the living room and all of a sudden, I was 'homesick' for winter.

It brought back memories of walking on the streets in Prague at about 3pm and all of a sudden, it started snowing moderately.

I am still not done with all my pics yet... but these are two of them that seem ok without editing. The pics appear to be nightfall because I had to use flash in order to reflect the light from the falling snow.

All in all, I am quite pleased with the result.

Animes and Japanese Wagashi (Traditional Japanese Snacks)

2006-04-08T23:14:00.000+08:00

This is my latest craze (left pic)... *sigh*
Although this is covered with soy sauce, it is not savory in nature. It is in fact, sweet.

The one bad thing with having food craves, is that after I eat it, I will start to wonder how difficult it is to make the crave.

So ladies and gentlemen, I will be indulging my domestic side (and yes, that is rare) and venturing forth to create the above.

The down side of wagashi is... there are several trillions of sweet Japanese snacks. I find that I am not unlike a scientist. I tend to take things (in my case, receipes or food craves) apart in order to find out how I can re-create the object.

Once I successfully learn how to re-create my crave with relative ease, I will then be experimenting on the other trillion variations (right pic).

Wish me luck!

My sporting life

2006-03-28T18:48:00.000+08:00

Ah well, my exam is over. Time is very much on my side now, so I thought I will fill in the yawning gap that is beginning to appear on my pal's blog...

The first ever sport I picked up was badminton, in Primary 2 or 3. I was strictly of the hit-over-the-net-can-liao type, if there is a net to talk about in the first place. That was also when I found more evidence of my ambidexterity. I picked up the racket with my left hand without consideration. My interest in badminton died off in a hurry, like in half a year or so.

Because I found football and Man Utd. I started playing football like no tomorrow in Primary 3. If you have seen primary school boys play football, you will know how it is like. Someone kicks, everyone rushes after the ball. There is no formation to talk about, no tactics, no positioning.

In Primary 4, I discovered Man Utd and have been their fan since. That further fuelled my interest in football. I will turn up on the school field once I get off the school bus, during recess and during my so-called ECAs (take attendence then zao lang).

My interest in football lasted all the way till Primary 6. I can still remember vividly my last "would-be" session of football. I couldn't take part because I had to attend my maternal grandmother's funeral.

That proved to be the last time I played, or should I say "played" football. The secondary school I attended wasn't much of a football school. Strangely enough though, my interest in Man Utd did not die out. It took a definite backseat for a while, but I never once entertained the thought of stopping my support for them.

I found table-tennis in Secondary 1 to take over the vaccuum left behind by football. I very pretty much sucked at it, so it died a quick but ugly death too, like badminton did. Nonetheless, whilst the interest was still alive, I admit to having done silly things like practising on the dining table against my sis, and sometimes, against the wall.

In Secondary 2, someone introduced me to basketball. I have been glued to it since. At that time, there wasn't a basketball team in my school. We were obliged (actually, it was mandatory) to join a sport and a club for our ECAs. I had signed up for table-tennis in Secondary 1 and stuck with it going into Secondary 2. But by then, I was doing that take attendence then zao lang routine again. More often than not, I could be found on the basketball court.

By Secondary 3, there was a regular group of us playing almost daily. School ends at 12:50p.m. for us. We'd then wolf down our lunch in the canteen in 15 minutes and start playing soon after. All the way till 3-4p.m., sometimes till half an hour before the end of the afternoon session (it was still the two-session system then), i.e. around 5:30p.m. Then we'll be drenched, soaked, dog-tired and dragging our limp bodies to the bus stops.

Of all the sports I've mentioned so far, I have to say basketball was my best sport. I'm not sterling good at it, but I can pretty much hold my own on the court.

I played basketball all the way through JC and beyond. It stopped only about a year or so before I came over to Sydney. Primarily because my regular basketballing pals were moving out from the west side of Singapore and getting married. It is hard to find basketball khakis you can click with. I still miss playing basketball now.

Slightly overlapping with my participation in basketball, and arguably also a sport, was pool. Le Tis, Ah Gee, 秋 and myself were introduced to it by a mutual friend who had been playing it for years. It was just after the uni final exams and before the results and graduation.

The guys, myself included, got really into it in a hurry. In fact, Le Tis got really really good at it, all from observing how professional players played the game on TV. Ah Gee and myself can more or less play a decent game now but we're not spectacular players. He is still my regular pool sparring partner.

I'm really looking forward to returning to the pool tables once I get home (the pool tables in Sydney pretty much sucked, so I don't play here).

Out of order

2006-03-20T17:28:00.000+08:00

Dear readers (if there are any), Chaos has more or less recovered from her little illness. But now, it is the turn of her PC. And it sounded pretty serious.

Trust that to happen, hey? :P

Anyway, the interruption to normal services looks set to continue. Unless you guys (if there are any) want me to stand in again.

(So are there any?)

I'm living in a Gangsta Neighbourhood

2006-03-15T21:11:00.000+08:00

I used to have this neighbour consisting of their mom, the elder brother and him, the baby of the family. I liked their mom for she was friendly and she loved my dog. I disliked the elder brother because he had this bad habit of staring right into your home whenever he walked along the common corridor, past our door. He also had a friggin booming voice and screech and every conversation he has with the family, you can be sure that neighbours within a 1km radius would hear too, word for word.

Every single time he walked past our house, he had to peek in and I always felt like a deer caught in the headlights each time he did so whilst I was in the living room. He didn't just look. He stared. Anyways, the elder brother got married after what seemed like eternity and moved out. What do you know, a couple of years later, they had a son. I shouldav known that if the brother didn't succeed in driving me to my grave, his little brat would. The brat would come to grandma's house every day and the dad would pick him up each evening.

I have a strong suspicion the little brat aspires to be a tenor or something because he has this annoying habit of shrieking at the top of his lungs ever so often. He has also never learnt to walk. He would run along the common corridors, with the pounding noisy sound of 10 elephants and one rhinoceros, back and forth, back and forth. (My theory holds true: Procreation should come with an EQ tag. Too insensitive? Sorry, no procreation for you buster!)

My mom mentioned that the neighbour's mom had approached my mom if she could loan her $6000. She said her youngest son owed some people money presumably for football gambling.
My mom of course said she had none to loan as politely as possible.

Following this, we started seeing signs of a loanshark starting a little mental warfare on this family. There was the initial crayon vandalism at the lift level, stating in loanshark-style calligraphy, the unit number of their apartment, the younger brother's mobile number with the words "Owe $ Pay $" (loosely translated to mean 'pay what you owe'). Then came the spray paint bursts of colours of those same words.

The loansharks then got creative and would come by their apartment at night, and smash or upturn flower pots quietly (don't ask me how this is done but none of the other neighbours heard it). Next came throwing a pack of coffee on their front door. The last thing I saw was the splashing of paint on their front door. This was done on various occassions, one colour per occassion, namely red, black, purple. Guess they couldn't decide what colour looked good on my neighbour's door. Finally the neighbour's mom revealed that her youngest son had lost his Identity Card and this card was used to loan money from said sharks (uh huh... sure auntie). I would sometimes hear people creeping about at 4 or 5am in the morning, rustling sounds and then quiet.

When I returned from Europe, my mom said the neighbours have moved and we now have new neighbours. I thought nothing of it, till I came home today and saw that red paint had been splashed on the new neighbour's door. Gosh! The loansharks had a glitch in their data system. What happens now that a new tenant has taken over?

Soon after, my new neighbour came back. This was my first glance of how he actually looked like. He resembles a construction or renovation contractor foreman (I heard him booming in dialect on previous occassions at some indian or bangladeshi worker).

Anyways, soon after this, my contractor foreman neighbour started making phonecalls on his mobile, whilst standing in the common corridor. He first called some people, asking them to check who pored paint on his front door (like wow! High Tech man Mr Foreman! Just the click of a button and you can actually find that out?? I am impressed!).

Then he called his housing agent and asked for the old neighbour's contact and new address. Soon after, he answered a call, presumably from the loansharks. He explained to them that he has taken over the flat now. After a few moments of silence, he started shouting vulgarities and asked the loanshark to give him a time and place (presumably this is to facilitate a meeting where they both bash each other's brains out). He stopped shouting abruptly and then started calling for the head of a gang I presume he belonged in. He told them the situation and what the opposition said. He says he is ready to go down to meet them anytime.

He started calling others to tell them about what had transpired between opposition and him. He told them that he is prepared to meet opposition anytime anyplace. Said the opp were amateurs for they didn't even dare to state a venue to meet. He also called the agent and told him that he wants the old tenant's address because he will go down to meet the mom and bash her younger son up for not resolving this even after selling this apartment. He had also placed a call to the police to make a formal report. He also called another dude to loan a security camera system. He says he will install this by tomorrow regardless if it is useful or otherwise.

Amidst all this, my dad was also telling me that my neighbour 4 doors down, had received an anonymous letter saying that if they do not restrain their dog from making so much noise, he/she will kill the dog (Yes, this was something I was considering a long time ago when their dog who is fat and a weird mutt breed with a bark like an alsation, started waking me from sleep at wrong times of day and night).

I am unsure which I should fear more. Living next to an active and hotheaded gangsta or whether we will receive a letter in the mail, threatening to murder my dog.

HaHa HaHa HaHa!!!! MWahahahahahahahahahahahah!

My my! What troubled times we live in.

Goldie's Passing on 1st March 2006

2006-03-07T20:16:00.000+08:00

I checked my email and saw that He had written to me on 1st March. It was a short sentence. No salutation or ending. Just a FYI.

He wrote:
"Thought you'll like to know, Goldie was diagnose with a cancerous oraltumor around christmas, she's in pain now, parents are going to puther down today. Its time for her to rest"

I only saw this email late 5th March.

Goldie was the sweetest mixed mutt I have known. She was already old when I got to know her but her panting breath always makes her mouth look like she was giving a great big grin. She already had a whole host of problems prior to the tumor. She was also in pain from the arthritis and had trouble climbing upstairs to bed each night.

I wish I had a chance to send her off and say goodbye. But no matter, she's gone to rest now.

Goodbye Goldie! Rest well in doggie heaven now with all your new friends and doggie treats.
I will miss you! You have been a lovely dog to have known. Think of me from time to time ok?

Coming Home

2006-03-07T13:47:00.000+08:00

One of my favourite songs is by that title "Home" by Michael Buble. Not so much the lyrics but the melody and the poignancy of his coming home to whatever it was he left behind.

My flight home was a rather miserable one as expected. I wasn't glad to be coming home and thus the shorter flight home seemed to be long, arduous and extremely exhausting. Add to that, I was fighting a flu which got progressively worse with each mile inching home.

During my flight from Prague to Paris, I had the sinking sensation that I would miss my connecting flight from Paris to Singapore. This was because I only had a half hour window to run from one terminal in search of the next one. My fears were unfounded. The minute I stepped off the plane door at Charles de Gaulle, Paris, I saw a friendly chap with the sign of my next flight standing there with a genuine smile on him (something really rare for the french). I was then taken through the back door onto a car and driven with much speed to the next terminal. He then brought me through the escalator and almost to the gateway of the next connecting flight. Phew! At least no one had to die whilst I searched for my connecting flight.

I had a huge and heavy carry on bag containing my precious gifts of junk (to some) and fragile pieces. I found myself also taking extreme care of the snuff bottle I got for mom, as well as the ash tray from Prague for dad. Amongst all the gifts I have for friends, these were perhaps the only two that I took extra care of. I was anxious most of all, that mom liked the exquisite bottle I got her. Initially, I wanted to get her a garnet or moldavite ring (that is a local czech precious stone) but as the metal portion of the ring was usually made of plated gold or pure silver, it seemed too cheap a present.

I also realised on the return flight from Paris to Singapore that after all the chivalry I have experienced in Europe, Singaporean men suck big time. I was in the plane, standing in the aisle waiting for a male steward to walk by so I could ask him to haul my heavy bag into the carrier compartment, when I realised that I have been standing beside a comfortably seated male Singaporean and he didn't even bother to offer his help. In the end, the french woman made her husband get out of the centre seat and help me haul my bag overhead into the carrier. *sigh* Will Singaporean men really learn even after having been abroad? Chivalry doesn't only extend to a wailing waif of a female in need of masculine aid. It generally extends to all females regardless of shape, size or strength. Wake up Singaporean men! Seriously dudes, WAKE THE FUCK UP and smell the napalm!

I touched down in Singapore and immediately developed a serious 'back home' complex. My depression was back in semi full force. It was not the start of a good time from here on. I started sweating within the confines of the airconditioned airport even in a t-shirt and jeans. Sigh.

I went out for a smoke and the humidity and heat that blasted through me made me gasp. I miss winter already. When I got in the cab, my back was drenched in sweat. The flu hit me full blast then and the fever I had killed days ago, started raging through me all over again.

When I got home, my wonderful ball of fluff jumped at me and then started jumping around in circles. Crissy wasn't sure if she should run around in circles or jump at me... she ended up sorta doing both.

I started to unpack and separate the clothes that need to be laundered, dry cleaned and put away. It was then that I realised I didn't exactly spend a lot of money as expected. Hmmm... how strange. It might also have been because I didn't have a lot of space in my backpack to buy stuff and lug it around city to city. hehe.

I am now in my second day of rest at home from the flu and the flu meds are knocking me out with each ingestion. I had trouble sleeping again last nite and finally at 5am, I had to knock myself out with half a sleeping pill. I woke at 8ish and every hour after that but finally got outtav bed at noon.

Sigh... home. I can frankly say I am not glad to be back although I do miss my dog and my folks. Sorry guys, this isn't meant to sound the way it does but I really hate it back here.

Small encore

2006-03-07T12:28:00.000+08:00

In case you guys are wondering, she is indeed back safely in Singapore, but unfortunately not in serviceable condition. She got two days MC.

Trust that to happen. After a three week long holiday.

Heh.

Visiting Sydney

2006-03-05T07:18:00.000+08:00

In my humble opinion, now, as in late February and early March, is probably the best time of the year to visit Sydney. Or to put it more broadly, the tail-end of summer and beginning of autumn.

Temperatures are comfortable at the mid or low-20s, conditions are balmy, air is not overly dry yet. It hasn't gotten rainy yet as it often does in winter. And it is also not overly sunny (and hot!) as it can be in summer.

The houseflies have mostly gone into hibernation again so you don't have to learn the Australian wave. The moths do not appear until October, mid-spring. The cockroaches have also miraculously disappeared until next spring.

It's also the schooling days again, both in Sydney and in Singapore. So air tickets should be cheaper and readily available, hotel rooms are easier to book, etc. There won't be those huge crowds at the tourists spots as well.

Yes, if you really wish to visit Sydney, probably now is the best time. If you really really really really wish to visit Sydney, that is.

P.S. And this brings to an end my stint of guest blogging. Normal service should resume tomorrow.

Budget

2006-03-04T08:18:00.000+08:00

Everytime the Budget announcement comes round, I will zero in on a specific number or statistic whilst poring over the newspaper reports. No, it is not the size of any 紅包 the government might have announced. No, it is not any utility rebates my household may get. No, it is not how much is given for the medical services or for education (I check those second).

It is the proportion of the entire budget that is going to go into defence for the coming year.

This year, this statistic is around one-third, 32.8% to be exact. That's about S$10 billion.

S$10 billion.

That's about 50% more than that to be spent on education. 5 times more than that to be spent on health services. 5.5 times that to be spent on public transport. A staggering 9.6 times more than that to be spent on improving our environment and water resources. And 4 times more than than the much talked about Progress Package, i.e. the 紅包.

(For the record, budget for defence expenditures were 31.2%, S$9.26 billion in 2005 and 28.3%, S$8.62 billion in 2004.)

Then you step back and wonder about the amount of money spent by all the countries in the world on defence. The proportion of their budgets probably won't be as high as Singapore, given our special circumstances, but they surely run into billions as well.

Then you think about the people starving in Africa, the prevalence of diseases (think SARS and bird flu), increasing crime (I had to slip this in, given what I perceive to be the worsening crime situation I am experiencing in Sydney), pollution and our ailing Earth... etc.

OK, so I am being an idealist here. But just imagine. For a single human trait that is distrust of one another, we have spent and continue to expend so much of our finite resources on defence. This, at the expense of our own health, education and the very place we live on.

Like I said, I am being an idealist here. End of ranting. Till the next Budget then...

Now to decide what to do with my 紅包...

...hmm...

...they'll probably end up in the stock market. :P

(Edit: the following has been added at 5:08p.m.)

I just saw this article on CNA about China's defence budget for the coming year. It is about S$57 billion and represents about 7.4% of their entire budget.

JC life

2006-03-03T08:18:00.000+08:00

JC life pretty much sucked, after the highs of upper secondary. I can't remember much of it, except maybe an infamous line from whom I felt was a very elitist principal,

"You're a cut above the rest..."

Said with a rather high-pitched and hoarse voice, not unlike that of Eric Tseng, and with one of her feet propped on the slightly raised edge of the stage.

Upon which all of us will roll our eyes again.

He won't tell

2006-03-02T08:08:00.000+08:00

There was a group of us in Sec. 3 and 4 who were rather close to one another at one point in time. For two main reasons. Mahjong and bowling.

The school holidays would more often than not find us congregating at the home of one of the group, Kent, for overnight mahjong. At 15, I've already had the experience of playing mahjong 24 hours straight. We would gather at his place at 9a.m. and play all the way through till 9a.m. the next day, bar toilet and meal breaks. This was one of only two times in my life that I managed to fall asleep on public transport (the other being BMT) and had to be "rescued" from being locked in a bus by another bus driver at the interchange.

Kent and I gradually lost contact with each other after the 'O' levels. One of those friends I passively lost down the years. I often wondered why.

Until 淑 told me the following around 2000.

She told me that Kent had been grappling with his sexuality since Sec. 3. He only came to terms with it (he is gay) during his JC years. I had actually had small suspicions here and there but this admission by 淑 was the confirmation.

For all those years, he had confided his worries with 淑. Amongst the things he told her was that he didn't dare (yes, he used that word!) to tell me about it. He felt I would never be able to accept that fact and accept his friendship if he had.

I bristled when I heard her say it. Alright, so I am pretty conservative in outlook, but that is with respect to my own life only. I accept people for who they are! I would have accepted you the way you are too, Kent. *Sigh* But it is all too late now...

Funfair

2006-03-01T07:38:00.000+08:00

My secondary school had this policy of holding a funfair every four years. That was then; I wonder if they still have it now. The funfair was touted as a fundraising event, though I suspect it was more a reason to let us teenagers let down our hair and to encourage class cohesiveness. The gap of four years was also probably to ensure each batch of students had at least one chance of experiencing it.

In the funfair I was involved in, each class was assigned two stalls to run, a food stall and a game stall. Our class's food stall was a popiah stall. We had a classmate whose dad ran a popiah stall, so that fitted us to a T. As for the game stall, I was put in charge, together with the class monitor.

After much brainstorming, we settled on the crushing of mothballs running down a pipe idea. But we gave it a twist. We decided that a hammer and real mothballs would be potentially too damaging on the tables, foul-smelling and messy, so we replaced those with a overturned cup and marbles (those huge white ones). In addition, we had five pipes, instead of the single one, to add uncertainty to the mix.

What was left was just a theme and design to fit the pieces together. I got my inspiration from a Nintendo handheld game of the 80s, Mickey Mouse (see pic below). There was a whole series of these games by the name of Game and Watch.
Pic taken from intheattic.co.uk. I had the Mickey Mouse model whilst my sis received the Popeye one. From our parents, of course.

We modelled the pipes after the ramps along which the "eggs", in the form of marbles, will roll down. Like true scientists, we tested for the best angle to tilt one end of the pipes so that the speed of the "eggs" is neither excessive nor too slow. Once that is set, we put up a sturdy mounting board with five holes cut in it to hold up the ends of the five "ramps". Finally, we drew and painted five hens on top of each "ramps", to lay the "eggs". We also needed something to collect the errant "eggs". That was accomplished by making a drain to attach to the outside edge of the table.

So we were set. Until we saw the actual tables and location upon which to set up our stall. The ground was slanted from right to left. More brainstorming. We settled on those huge pebbles used in large ponds/aquariums to reverse the tilt.

Then we drew up a timetable on who to play "gamemaster" and who to help out with the running of the stall on the day of the funfair itself. Needless to say, both of us picked ourselves to take up two of the three "gamemaster" slots.

At the very last minute, someone hit upon the idea of advertising for our game stall via two humans masquarading as hens and roving around the school on the day. We volunteered two classmates (guys) and after much persuasion, they agreed. Albeit reluctantly. Their makeup and costumes were made by other classmates. We were all howling with laughter when we eventually saw them dressed up as hens.

It was great fun laying "eggs" for three hours. When my turn as "gamemaster" was up, I got to walk around and look at other stalls. There were one or two that also used the mothball-hammer idea. But with only one pipe, real mothballs and hammer. Their pipe was tilted way too high and there was no way anyone could have smashed any mothballs. And there wasn't any theme. We all agreed our stall was the best in terms of design and was also fully scientifically tested.

Towards the end of the day, I even gave my own game a try. I managed to catch 9 "eggs" out of 15 (Again, I remember the strangest and most minute details!) and won a pair of brass fish keychains for my efforts. I still have those two keychains.

Netball

2006-02-28T06:48:00.000+08:00

Sec. 3 and 4 were the best years in my schooling life. For a one-word reason.

GIRLS.

Although I was in a co-ed school, we were segregated during Sec. 1 and 2. Presumably for the reason that it was easier administratively; The boys had to take Technical lessons, whilst the girls had Home Economics in Sec. 1 and 2.

My class had exactly 20 guys and 20 gals. Our form teacher, Mrs Ong arranged our seating in checkerboard style so that each pair of boys will be surrounded by four pairs of girls, and vice versa. She explained that she wanted us to not be shy and mix with the other gender. HA HA HA... As if we needed any more encouragement.

We were a very closely-knit class. In fact, in my school, all the Sec. 3 and 4 classes were pretty close because we had the same set of classmates and teachers throughout those two years. Interclass games usually brought out the support from most of the class. Which reminds me of the guys' "strong" support for our gals during the netball interclass games.

One of us guys had offered tongue in cheek to the class's netball team captain to "train" them. A number of us can play a decent game of basketball (we finished third in the basketball interclass games) and the offer came out in half seriousness. Surprisingly, the ladies AGREED. Oh, we could hardly contain our glee, especially after thinking about the ~~potential physical contact~~ higher heights of netballing excellence we were going to help the girls achieve!

I, being the tallest in class (I grew 13 cm during my four secondary school years), was assigned the GK position. Suffice it to say I made life really really tough for the lady GS during the "training"!

On the days of the netball competition matches, the class's boys turned out in full force. I still recall us lining up one side of the court, sitting on the roadside kerb, as we took in the game. Everytime our side scored, we would do a Mexican wave. Upon which the scorer, either the GA or GS, would blush. Ah, those were the days...

We enjoyed ourselves so much, I cannot remember whether our girls won or not. :P

Dobry Den from Warsaw, Poland

2006-02-27T03:35:00.000+08:00

Hey there!

It snowed a bit more today and temperature is dropping even further! Sweet!

Took the train today from Krakow to Warsaw and it was the weirdest logic of a ride I have ever experienced. I had pay for a reservation on this train even with a East European Pass so I got seat number 113. When I got to the train, I discovered the train only had a carriage to a max of 107 and so I just sat on the first available seat and waited to be kicked out. I then met a Belgian guy and his Polish girlfriend (gf was there to send bf off) and he had the same problem, he was seat number 112. She went to ask the conductor for us and we found out that we just had to stand around in the train carriage till it started moving and then search for an empty seat to plonk our fat arses. Well so much for paying for reservation! Guy suggested we try to get a seat together and I was game since I was amidst a sea of non-english speaking crowd anyways.

So he told his gf he was gonna hang with me coz I spoke English. We went to the first class section and was soon chased off. We stood in the middle section until the train started moving and then he found us some seats. He was pretty cool to hang out with and was a producer of trance music and has gigs in Krakow, Warsaw, Belgian and a few other places. We soon met another 2 DJs with the same problem so from time to time, when we went to the middle carriage for a smoke, we would talk to the 2 standing DJs. Poor asses. Standing for 3 hours near a non-functioning toilet, holding your complimentary cuppa tea, in a moving and jerky train is not funny.

Warsaw is beautiful! So much more commercialised (WWII destroyed nearly 90% of the city so everything had to be rebuilt). Belgian guy and I made arrangements to keep in contact after I got back home and with that, I left.

I arrived at my hostel and this is the first hostel that I am in total and utter love with. It had a little courtyard before entering the reception area and it was covered in snow (of course). The rooms and bathroom was so clean and spacious that I think I am in heaven finally. I met with the 2 Aussie girls here (they recommended the place) and right now, I am researching for pensions and hostels to stay in Prague.

I hate to think that with Prague, my little journey will come to an end... *sigh*

A Sheet of White

2006-02-26T18:45:00.000+08:00

I woke up yesterday evening, walked out for my breakfast a couple of doors down, and when I came back, I saw 'dust' floating all around.

I got up this morning, repeated the same routine and when I came out, I saw a fresh sheet of white on the ground. The sheet of white was so fine and soft that I felt I was walking past a ground covered with powder.

As I stood outside in awe, the white 'dust' particles swirled all around me before settling all over me. The snow didn't melt when I smudged them against my clothing. I flicked it off and another fresh batch came to rest.

I looked past the parked cars and barren trees and they too were covered with a fresh dusting of snow.

The world stood still for me as I took in this incredulous sight. Mother Nature amazes me each time I think I am weary and done with this world. She shakes her head gently, whispering "uh uh... not yet" whenever I look up at her, sighing a breath of weariness, asking if that was all the world had to show me.

Yes it is freezing cold.
Yes I do feel alone.
But I am loving every minute of this 'white' holiday.
I am loving every chatter of teeth against the icy winds.
I am loving every sip of hot latte in the cold nights.
I love being snug in my inappropriate outer coat.
I love snuggling down against the woolly scarf wrapped around my neck.
I love the feel of warm gloved hands in my coat pocket.
I love life as it is now.

Good Evening from Krakow! (Part Deux)

2006-02-26T05:16:00.000+08:00

I am still in Krakow and things are kinda bleak today.

I think I saw falling snow for the first time in my life, albeit it was just the tiniest specks of dust like particles floating down. Forecast was 40% snow but tomorrow should be 60% so here's keeping my fingers crossed.

I assume that since Acey has not answered my earlier Krakow post, that he is safely home and reunited with his loved ones. Have a great time there Acey!

I took the Auschwitz Concentration Camp tour today. It was bleak and freezing. Temperature was minus 5 at least and enhanced the austerity of what I witnessed today. The concentration camp experience further emphasizes why I detest politics so much. In my simpleton mind, too much politics lead to wars and wars invariably lead to tremendous unjust human suffering. I saw the pics taken from 1940 -1945 where Jews were conned onto genocide trains. They were promised a better life. The minute the train arrived, the males and females separated. They were told they had to take a bacterial bath and made to strip in masses in "bathing" rooms that were done up with fake shower facilities. Then they were hustled past the bathing rooms into chambers and gassed to death in thousands. Through the little ducts, the soldiers poured Cyklone K gas. The deceased's belongings were still left at the side of the train when all this happened.

I hated every minute of the tour but it was necessary for a bigger perspective into my own life. The perspective gained was choice. I have a choice of how I want to suffer. These individuals, killed in a variety of ways, such as through Cyklone K, bullets to the back of their heads, hanging, torture, didn't. They all got on the train for one reason, to live. They were all killed for one reason. They were Jews.

The entire camp brought an involuntary tear from my Polish guide's eye, when we were at another genocide camp, Birkenau. I had to stop and stare because even after thousands of tours she has conducted, repeating the same story over and over, on a daily basis, it still brought pain to her heart. Might she have lost a loved one? Might she still be mourning the loss of her people who were tortured senselessly?

I think back to the people I've known with love of war ideals, nazis, swastika signs on their clothing or bags, love of killing machines, and I wonder. Would these same people still think it was cool to be associated with these insignias, or that such history was fascinating, if they stopped to really think about what and where it derived from? Seriously... stop and think for a minute the pain and suffering others had to go through with these same tokens we now seem to worship as a fashion statement. Think of the fear it struck in these innocents' hearts whenever they saw a soldier, a swastika sign, a coloured bandana, a tattooed number on the forearm.

I apologised to the photos hung on the walls. I had to apologise for what monsters had done to them and their family, for the senseless fear and suffering that they had gone through, for my inability for reparation to them today. All I can do is walk past and listen to stories that mean nothing to me in modern day life. All I can do is take a picture of the horror and empathise for all of 2 seconds. All I can do is sit here and admonish how bad war and torture is.

For those who have died without ever having been given a fighting chance, I am sorry.
Please know that your deaths have not gone to vain. Please know that your deaths have given me all the answers I ever need in this lifetime.

Hellos from Krakow, Poland!

2006-02-25T14:29:00.000+08:00

Today's hostel has free internet use but I had to wait quite awhile. Thankfully I am still living in the Asian timeframe so I sleep late (1am here) and wake early (5ish am here). I usually have to creep around the room so as not to wake my mates up.

I thus did the same this morning, sussing around for my electric toothbrush, toothpaste, jeans, top for today, hairbrush, rest of the toiletries to make me human again and then creep out to the door, have it creak open, suck in breath for fear of waking others, then creep out into the ice cold air, freeze for 5 seconds, then run as quietly as I can into the bathroom.

So now, I have free internet all to myself! Woot!
I met 2 aussie girls (Lindsay and Rosie) in Vienna and we made plans to meet and stay in "Bling Bling" in Krakow. I was talking to the receptionist about the "Auswitzch Concentration Camp" tour in 'Bling Bling' hostel when I heard a familiar voice ring out saying"I thought I remembered that voice!" and then Lindsay's head peeked out in the common room. It was such a joy to meet up with them again! I had such a good time with them last nite! We didn't do much besides sit around and bitch and watch telly in a language we didn't understand. It was still fun. They are leaving today for Warsaw, Poland. I should be joining them in a day's time. These 2 girls are amazing. They are 24 years old and have saved A$20,000 each, taken a year off to travel the world. They are living from hand to mouth but seem really happy and relaxed with life. It would be cool if I could do that, but along with being a non-risktaker, I know it is not in me to do so. I have to know when my next source of income is coming and have all the creature comforts I am unwilling to do without at this age.

I also met some Americans in my bunk and they are doing a semester in Prague. They asked me to hook up with them in Prague so they can show me around. Sweet!

It's just been really cool meeting these people. I doubt people would be as friendly if I didn't stay in a hostel and if these people weren't young. I wonder where I went 'wrong' then. Should I (at my age) be staying in a hotel instead? I did that in Budapest and it was cool too. 50Euros per night for a pitiful hole in the wall. I have decided to stay 2 days in a hostel and 2 in a hotel in Prague, when I finally get there. I met a fellow Singaporean who is 21 yrs old. He seems to think I should be living more frugally. I don't even try to make him see that I am not a young backpacker trying to make ends meet on this holiday. I choose to stay in hostels for the experience and not the cost.

As for money, well I am paying for the hostel in Krakow via Visa. Thank goodness. Anything I can charge to a credit card, I charge. I am down to about 450 euros in cash. But don't worry Acey, worse case scenario, I eat in restaurants and stay in hostels only. The cash will last me through gifts and other emergencies, I think. HeHe!

It was quite scary taking the infamously dangerous and thief-ridden train ride from Budapest to Krakow though. I was praying so hard throughout the journey in between sleep. But I praise God that I got here safe and sound. Another scary ride is from Warsaw to Prague. Another 10+hour night train ride.

I'm sorry if what I've written does not have any form or subject matter. It's just a rambling download of thoughts in my head.

My last thought as I finish off this update, is that I didn't fancy Vienna and Budapest as much. Perhaps it is just winter that's making the 2 places seem dreary, perhaps I overexpected. But I sorta thought I would see cupid and angels in Vienna. None of these creatures appeared. Not even in my imagination.

Hmmm... Krakow in comparison is much colder and drearier but it still seems better in comparison. I hope that I will love Prague when I do finally arrive, otherwise it is just gonna be another big disappointment.

Till my next update then... and oh yeah! Acey! Why do you seem to be regressing whilst guest blogging? I seem to be reading about your past, your JC, your math attempt, your ex-teacher, your ex-friend.

Mr. Siew, my Chinese and Art teacher

2006-02-25T06:08:00.000+08:00

My Sec. 2 Chinese and Art teacher was a certain Mr. Siew (real surname). He had a very queer teaching style that made him popular amongst some students and much hated by the others. You either loved him or loathed him. I belonged to the latter group. This, despite him never ever having a chance to punish or insult (more on this below) me.

His chinese lessons comprised mainly of storytelling. Lots of it. Us students called it "talk cock" session. He would just tell us silly sarcastic story after silly sarcastic story. That was fine by us, except that the sarcasm were mostly directed towards us students and Singapore (as in the country).

If it was directed towards us, it would be indirect jibes at our "poor and still dropping Chinese standards". Hardly anything to fire up our waning interests in Chinese.

If it was directed at the country, it would be usually something to put down our country's achievements. For example, there was once he was talking about a newspaper report on Asia's four dragons, namely Singapore, Taiwan, Hong Kong and Korea (remember that those were the heady years when we were still getting 10% annual GDP growth), upon which he stood up, did a tail imitation with his hand against his jutted out butt, and said (he had a high pitched squeally voice),

“新加坡亞洲四小龍？！龍尾吧！”

The whole class went quiet. I myself was bristling and would have loved to retort，

“老師，您對新加坡這麽不滿，爲什麽不移民呢？”

But I didn't dare to. I SHOULD HAVE. Till today, I sometimes wonder what his reaction would be if I had.

This is one of the milder examples, by the way. But strangely, it is also the one that left the deepest impression in me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not a super duper patriotic Singaporean. Actually, I am not even sure if I can be called patriotic. But to hear a teacher, a TEACHER, put down your own country like that really touched a raw nerve.

His arts and craft lesson comprised of more sarcasm too. It was fairly obvious that he was not really trained to teach art. So he made up for it with a huge amount of sarcasm for our artwork. Many a classmate of mine had suffered the humiliating fate of having his work thrown out of the classroom and if his throw was strong enough, DOWNSTAIRS onto the school porch.

I was lucky in that it never happened to me. I may not sound it, but my artwork was, and hopefully still is, pretty good. I have quite nifty hands and it runs in the family. He had therefore no reason to insult my work nor throw it out. Instead, I got praise for it, albeit in a very roundabout manner,

“你們的作品這麽差，我只好把最好的擺外面才走出課室。如果別的老師問我的話，我就說這是班上最差的。”

More often than not, he would pick my work to do a "live" demo as he told this insult for the umpteenth time. And I certainly didn't see it as praise for my work as well.

Needless to say, I was really glad to move into Sec. 3 and leave Mr. Siew behind in Sec. 2.

Mr. Siew, if I had learnt anything from you, it is not properly spoken or written chinese nor lovely artwork. Instead, it is a reminder that I should never ever grow up to become a bitter person like you. I'm glad I didn't turn out to be anywhere near to being like you.

Dropping Literature

2006-02-24T06:58:00.000+08:00

With the posts of the past two days, I seemed to have found my way into a schooling theme. It's been rather enjoyable reminiscing the good old days, so I shall continue with it for a while more...

Whilst I can handle my Maths, my English Literature downright sucked. It was one of my two chosen humanities subjects during Sec. 3 and 4, the other being History. It is not that I disliked Literature. I rather enjoyed it, much more than History in fact. It's just that my essays just didn't seem to come out right. Which also meant that my History essays sucked as well.

So after two sets of examinations in Sec. 3, where I managed to pass both subjects by the skin of my teeth, I decided I've reached another crossroads. I had to do something to get out of my humanities rut. Fast.

I had learnt my lesson from my English composition debacle to know that results, and only results, count in this system (sounds a little like a football manager, hey). I had to play along. If I had gone on pure interest, I would have stuck by Literature. If I had been prudent, I would have stuck by both. But I was a risk-taker and truth be told, I wanted results (congrats, Singapore education system). Good results were easier to squeeze out of History than Literature, so I decided upon dropping Literature and spending that freed-up time on History.

Making that decision wasn't easy, for I was also pretty fond of my Literature teacher (also our class form teacher and English teacher). I couldn't bear to see her straight in the eyes when I told her about my decision. Telling my parents were way easier!

A short aside. Remember those recent reports about fewer and fewer students taking Literature in upper secondary? Well, I'm one of those dubious early pioneers (1990).

Anyway, so I stopped attending Literature classes at the end of Sec. 3. I remember we had done the text "Animal Farm" for most of that year and was just getting into the Shakespeare play "Romeo and Juliet" when I made that decision. So until today, I know the story of Romeo and Juliet rather well, but only up to the part where Mercutio got killed.

Actually, I never really stopped attending Literature classes altogether. There were three of us who dropped it. Initially, the three of us would go to the library to do other work during Literature lessons. After a while, we just stayed back. Sometimes to do other homework, sometimes to listen to the Literature class! Our form teacher, Mrs. Ong (real surname, since I'm not on my own blog and not bound by my own rules :P) was just that popular amongst us. Of course, plain listening was more enjoyable for me than having to dead-memorise the significance of every alternate line.

I still managed to make my own little contribution to the world of literature though. In my Sec. 4 year, my school put up a play of "Animal Farm" at the Drama Centre (the old one). I didn't take part as an actor though. I was a sound effects man, together with another classmate. We did sound effects like thunder (huge aluminium metal sheet), milking sounds (supersoaker into empty metal pail with microphone next to pail; This was the crowd favourite!), whips and gun shots ("igniting" small "bullets" that were actually for those revolver keychains). It was raucous fun!

Going back to the main story, my plan did work. I did find myself with more time to straighten out my History. In fact, after the mid-year Chinese 'O's, I had even more time on my hands. And I did improve my History grades.

Once I stepped into JC, it was sayonara to the humanities.

It's strange that my prolific reading and strong preference for WWII aviation memoirs only began AFTER I was done with the humanities in school.

Aceing A-Maths

2006-02-23T03:38:00.000+08:00

If it is not obvious from my own blog, I do ok in my maths, especially probability and statistics. But it hasn't always been so.

I had been aceing my way in Maths from kindergarten all the way to Sec. 2. It had seemed effortless to me at times. Until A. Maths came along.

Sec. 3 represented the jump from E. Maths (Elementary Mathematics) to A. Maths (Advanced Mathematics). I struggled with it immensely during the initial months. Not only did I not ace it, I failed it. And all the A. Maths teacher could offer in terms of advice to the class was practice, practice and more practice.

So we did. All of us diligently bought our 10-year series (actually, mine was more like 30-year series with questions from as early as the late 60s!) and tried every single question in the topics that had been taught up till then.

Still, there was only a marginal improvement in my grades (and my understanding of the topics). I started passing, but only barely. What's more, I started hating Maths. The final straw for me came during the mid-year exams. Still not much of a discernible improvement despite the extra hard work put in.

During the June holidays, I decided drastic action was needed. First and foremost, I threw away my 30-year series. And I promised myself I will only spend time doing the questions given as homework. But I made sure I really really gave these questions a proper go and workout.

What resulted was an exponential increase in my free time. And I no longer hated Maths. I accepted my deficiencies in it and just gave it my best shot. Slowly, the interest came back and I started going back to re-reading the A. Maths textbook because I was interested, not because I had to.

The pickup in grades began towards the end of Sec. 3. But what really and totally restored my self-confidence and interest in it was my Sec. 4 prelim exams. I hit the heights of 88 (geez, I remember the strangest and most minute details, don't I?!) in it.

I've learnt my lesson in learning and have since applied this newly discovered hypothesis to all subjects, courses, modules I've undertaken. It still works.

Failing my English composition

2006-02-22T04:48:00.000+08:00

There was a collective gasp of worry when my Primary Six form teacher (also my English teacher) announced that there was one failure in the mid-year English composition exam. That made up for 50% of the English grade.

Then for lack of tact, she announced my name to the whole class and even proceeded to explain in detail why I had failed.

At my time (1987), the English composition exam consisted of a few choices of questions. There is almost certainly one where you were painted a scenario in the form of a few sentences and have to continue the story, aka "The Short Story Question".

I had attempted that question during that exam. The scenario given was one of teenage shoplifting. I thought I would give the usual way of tackling such questions a twist by completing the short story in half the number of words allocated and spend the other half doing a short discussion on the phenomena of teenage shoplifting.

That proved to be my downfall. I was informed, actually the whole class was informed in a stern manner, that for a "Short Story Question", you HAVE TO write a full short story. Nothing else is acceptable. So I was marked out of point and hence awarded the failure mark. And to rub it in, I was given 24.5 out of 50.

That was the exact moment I knew how our education system worked.

Guten Tag from Vienna

2006-02-21T00:30:00.000+08:00

Hello There!

Hope you guys missed me enough! The tour started with me running to buy a backpack and another coat, 4 hours before my departure coz the friend who said she wants to go with me, said she would fly out to meet me on Tuesday instead. She said her mom was nagging her non-stop and the compromise was she flies later. She then proceeded to say that she would book the first night accommodation for me.

On a lark, I went to the hotel she booked and they told me that there was no such reservation. I sent her an sms and she didn't reply. I realised it was because I didn't add the prefix +65 in front of her number. I don't remember if I smsed her again. I ended up searching in the middle of the night for a hostel. Found one after much walking. Not a biggie.

Today is Monday and till now, I have yet to hear from her. Guess she won't be joining me after all her words. heh. What a flake. I'm sorry Chris, but I do think that of you now. You just aren't reliable no matter how good a friend we once were. Even in the midst of all my depression, I am not that unreliable. You also managed to fuck up my Paris visit. I spent 10hours in the airport coz I was super pissed at you and that I didn't do my homework on Paris.

I also now realise I did not bring enough cash with me coz you said you would have all the hotels booked and paid. The hostels I'm staying in now only accepts cash. No worries. I won't die but I will remember this Chris. I will. The world doesn't revolve around you and your problems. Understand that if you are hurting, there is always someone out there worse off than you and you gotta be a decent human being to them too. If you are unable to spare them that much consideration, I doubt you would receive that much back from others in future and end up hurting even more in future. Some things do run in full circles.

I had to log on today coz it got really bad.

I first received a phone call from his best friend and I had to call him back coz I wondered if things were ok or if He had something to tell me. Turns out his best friend just wanted to find out if I was ok.

We chatted for a bit and that was that.

Later when I was doing the tour of the Schloss Schronburg, I received an sms from him. Think he sent it by mistake once again. It was an e-card of his good friend's number in Jakarta. I was sitting down after just finishing the audio tour of the imperial palace. This was when I broke down. I ended up staring at the floor of the reception area, nearest to the toilet and tears just started flowing. I felt like a fool in the mid of winter, crying over what is already over. I don't believe this. I didn't spend over S$3000 to come back to this circle.

I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna have to walk alone here. It's too lonely and painful.

Terminating a friendship

2006-02-20T07:08:00.000+08:00

I've never ever terminated a friendship actively (key word) in my life. Until the December of 2004.

I have, no, I mean, had, a friend, 淑. 淑 and I went all the way back to Sec. 3 (1990). I liked to think we were close friends, and she had indeed told me so on a few occasions.

We didn't get to know each other that well during Sec. 3 and 4, even though we were classmates. It was during the JC years that our friendship started to develop. We had enrolled in the same JC. I suppose it was natural since we were like lost beacons in the new surroundings. All the former secondary schoolmates just tended to congregate together. And 淑 being in the same former secondary class as I, we tended to speak to each other more.

But what really got the friendship going was her first and as far as I knew, only boyfriend. That took place during the 2nd year of her uni course, i.e. 2nd year of my NS. Suffice it to say the path of their love was strewn with obstacles.

She would often confide me in many of her relationship problems. I was a willing listener. I remember even once, I forgot the year now, when I received a phone call from her. She merely said she needed to talk, and could only think of me. I dropped whatever I was doing and we met up within an hour.

I still remember it took place at the MacDonald's in the old (and not expanded yet) Jurong Point. I just sat opposite her as she went through the latest set of problems to beset her relationship. I was a novice at such things, and could only listen. Then she started sobbing and I became very self-conscious. Self-conscious of other diners staring at us, especially me. Heh, it was quite comical on hindsight.

After we parted ways that day, there was silence from her front for the next few weeks, if not months. Then one day, I bumped into her on the streets. He was there with her. She was clutching a single rose and they looked happy. She blushed a little as she greeted me. Then they went on their way.

After which there was total silence again. I did try to keep in contact with her via phone, but she was almost certainly busy with work and such. This situation was to last for a couple of years. I thought to myself, when the romance stabilises a bit, she will start looking for her pals again. So I gave her space and time.

Finally she was able to "entertain" me in a phone call in 2001 (I think, exact timings are hazy now). The first thing she said to me was,

"I'm married."

You know, I was very upset at her. The least she could do was to inform her friend about it so that we could celebrate it or something. Nothing. I told her so. She apologised.

A couple of months later, another phone call to her. Another one-liner from her that absolutely floored me,

"I'm divorced. No, the proper word is "separated"."

Now note that since that chance meeting along the streets in the late 90s, I have not had the chance to meet up with her. More often than not, we would arrange something and at the very last minute, she'd call and cancel (she said postpone but nothing more is heard about it later) the outing.

So this time, knowing that she had just separated, I gave her more space and time again. But I also told myself if she doesn't respond to my invitations to continue with the friendship thereafter, I will terminate it. Actively.

I gave her her final chance in December 2004. I did the same thing as I had everytime I was back in town from Sydney. I called up my pals one by one to catch up and maybe meet up. She agreed and we fixed a venue and time. Yes, the same thing happened as before. Last minute cancellation, a promise to come back with a revised timing, and the subsequent total silence.

Just before I flew back to Sydney in February 2005, I deleted her phone numbers and address from my database.

Now, you might wonder why I am so stupid and keeping banging my head against the wall with respect to her. It seemed pretty obvious that she wasn't interested in the friendship a long time back. I knew that. But the reason for my apparent stupidity is simple. I treasure each and every friendship I have. I don't give up on them.

She was the first to have made me give up on a friendship. Hopefully she will be the last.

Mahjong

2006-02-19T07:48:00.000+08:00

And in the midst of one of our conversations, the topic suddenly turned to gambling and mahjong. That got her excited. REALLY excited.

Excited enough to induce a rather ridiculous question from her. She commanded me (yes, commanded) to find three mahjong kakis for her. Looks like she is very deprived and gien of mahjong, and I told her so. She explained it's because her usual mahjong pals have become increasingly difficult to track down. Her last mahjong session was half a year ago.

Upon which I made the fatal mistake of mentioning that my three close friends are all mahjong lovers.

This looks potentially ugly, though I have since become increasingly intrigued with the idea.

Laughter

2006-02-18T06:48:00.000+08:00

I've never imagined becoming close friends with a fellow blogger, but I did.

Chaos and I have since spoken to each other on the phone. What struck me when I first heard her voice was her laughter. And how cheery she sounded. The tone of her blog and her voice just didn't seem to concur with each other. I told her so and she sort of shrugged it off.

I also commented that her laughter had a 豪俠，俠女 feel to it. Upon which I was treated to another liberal dosage of it. She did not believe me.

A few weeks later, she came back and told me another friend of hers had just made the same comment to her.

So there.

Mic testing

2006-02-17T07:08:00.000+08:00

*Tap tap tap*

Testing, one, two, three...

Can you hear me from the back? Yeah?

Erm... this is Acey Deucey speaking and this is my first time guest blogging. Words seem to flow easily when I am on my own blog but don't know why I am sort of pai seh when writing here. Even this post took me a few days to squeeze out, short it might be.

Anyway, I had gotten sort of thick-skinned and asked Chaos if she needed someone to take over during her European tour. She jumped on the suggestion immediately and with such enthusiasm, you would have thought she had just won the $10 million Chinese New Year Toto.

So you will be seeing me quite regularly (I hope) for the next three weeks whilst Chaos is sightseeing in the underbelly of Europe. I will try my best to post stuff that are relevant to her.

請大家多多捧場！

My Final Sojourn

2006-02-16T00:00:00.000+08:00

(Note: In no way am I trying to prose, I am just bereft beyond any literary state)

As I pack, myriads of emotions gush.
Recalling the trips we've had.
Invoking what was once shared.
Memories of us, memories of you.

I realise this is a journey long due,
for this is where I have to bid you adieu.
Through the good times and the bad,
This is the final break to what we once had.

I realise I have to make this journey.
to release wisps of you forever.
I am not ready to bid you farewell, my love
but without, I cannot recover.

With each passing minute,
the end draws nearer.
With each passing second,
breathing gets harder.

I cannot indulge in me, and still be me.
I have to retrieve the last vestige of me, for me.

It was said 'Parting is such sweet sorrow'.
Right now, parting with memories is the only sorrow.

I'm sorry, Memories. I truly am.
But this is where our journey together ends.
And where mine begins.

Fear

2006-02-13T16:16:00.000+08:00

She just called me after her session.

She cried because she had a talk with the ex. No, she didn't tell him but she basically told him to just not contact her anymore. She was mourning for the finality of her words.

She couldn't answer me when I asked if she was crying because of the sudden realization that it was really over with him, or if she was crying because of what she is about to do.

I think it was because of the sudden realization that it was over.

I fear for the future for both of us.
I fear to see what both of us have become.

Morality, Mortality and Spirituality of the Soul-Less

2006-02-13T14:56:00.000+08:00

Whenever the issue of morality comes up for discussion, I believe my grounds on these issues are more than circumspect. However, when faced with an issue of mortality recently, I am not so sure that my stand is ethical or spirtually upright.

I am steadfast in the actions I will take when faced with the same circumstance but I am perturbed and in fact, have recently concluded that I should not be the one giving counsel to others facing the same issue. My beliefs and stand on this issue are, at best, based on my past experiences. It isn't spiritually correct but I stand by it nonetheless, to this day.

Having shared the spiritually wrong moral stance with a friend recently, I now have to face the consequence of what I have done. In addition, I now have to face the consequence of the mortality that I have carelessly and clinically deleted.

There are just some things in this vast life of ours, that a simple apology will not make right.

I can't begin to describe the unrest this has caused me nor the sleepless night I had last night. I cannot believe how clinical I have become. Whatever happened to the emotionally connected person that I was? How do I cry through sad movies and sad real life plights and yet, when faced with this little mortality, be a totally callous, unfeeling and foreign person? Have I been this person all along and this side of me has never had a chance to surface? Where is my soul in all of this? Where is the guardian soul that guides us into being more than just a mechanical apparatus? I do not like this side of myself, even though I have known all along that this is what I will do and I will do it without feeling or remorse.

Have I lost more than just myself through the years? Have I subconsciously also lost my soul in the process of living?

To you whom I have never met, please know that I did what I did, not because you are a bad person. I didn't do it out of malice either. Please forgive me that I am not mourning your loss... I very much want to. But I am unable to. I cannot forgive myself for not being able to either.

Countdown to EE

2006-02-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

Im left with about 4 days to departure.

Have not bought overcoat.
Have not packed.

hahahaha!

Btw... Chris called me yesterday and said she booked the same flight and air line as me with her frequent flier miles. I'm not sure if that is true or otherwise.

Oh well! No matter... Im leaving with or without.

My Travel Soliloquy

2006-02-10T10:04:00.000+08:00

Chris didn't buy the ticket by yesterday's deadline. haha

I didn't bother too much about it or even called her to ask her anymore.

My deadline for her ended with the ticket deadline.

Yay! I'm gonna be alone for the trip again!

Woot Woot! (I think?)

Guest Blogger

2006-02-09T12:12:00.000+08:00

Just had someone suggest that he guest blogs for me whilst I am away in Europe.

Think it is a fantabulous idea! hehe

Step Right in!
Welcome! Welcome!

Zero Tolerance

2006-02-08T11:29:00.000+08:00

Do you know how USA and maybe to a certain extent, Singapore, has made a zero tolerance stand for terrorists?

I have made one such stance too.
Zero Tolerance Stance 101: CAB QUEUE JUMPERS
(regardless of age, ethnic background and literacy level)

I actually woke up early today (ok pill induced sleep last night) to shower, and take a leisurely walk to the main road, just so I can wait for a cab without making a booking for a cab, as is my habit.

I got there, the skies were clear and not extremely sunny, there was a light breeze blowing and no one was waiting for a cab. Started to look like a perfect day.

After waiting for 15 minutes, I was still unfazed for I had time on my hands. I was supposed to make a detour to Grand Copthorne Hotel, on the way to work. My friend in Australia, had entrusted a colleague of hers to bring some discs in for me and I was to pick it up from the hotel's concierge.

All of a sudden, this 40ish year old woman came from across the road and she positioned herself not more than 5 metres from where I stood and made futile attempts to flag a cab. I deliberated if I really wanted to ruin my day by frog marching up to her, and give her the tongue lashing that I could feel bubbling within. I stood there, deliberating and seethed slowly. I did the backward count from 50 and in the end, the storm broke.

I walked up to her and told her politely that I was waiting for a cab. Know what she told me?
Cab Jumper: "I waited very long for a cab already".
Me: Yes but you were opposite the road! Not here!
Cab Jumper: "Yah! I waited very long already. I am rushing!"
Me: You rushing? You think I'm standing here waiting for a cab and arguing with you coz I AM NOT RUSHING???"
Cab Jumper: "Where you going har?"
Me: Don't ask me such ridiculous questions!
Cab Jumper: "I wait very long already. Very long"
Me (after careful consideration of the level of Auntie's comprehension): Just make sure to walk properly ok auntie? Try not to trip and fall and die as a result. Also when you eat rice? Don't choke to your death. Seriously, be careful, otherwise you can't be in a rush and jump other people's queues anymore. That would be a damned shame to others waiting for a cab before you who are NOT IN A FUCKING RUSH!

My only regret now, is that she is not educated. Say what you will about lowering myself to her level and arguing with someone who is illiterate. I do not give two fucking hoots about it. My rage for queue jumpers knows no bounds and especially does not give concessions to such low lives, based on age, ethnicity and IQ levels.

Worry about Chris

2006-02-06T21:13:00.000+08:00

Supposed to meet Chris today to get my ticket and rail passes.

She didn't respond. She hasnt called back yet either.

This was the same for Sunday. She didnt respond till 11pm when I messaged her at 12 in the afternoon. Said she didnt get to bed till 11am. Said she still had the cough and all that. I replied her yesterday, saying it was alright but to be sure to be up for today when we had to get our tickets and all that.

I have to be at the office tomorrow by 12 noon otherwise I will lose my place. She hasn't responded to me despite smses and phone calls *sigh*

I'm torn between worrying about her and getting pissed.

Nightfall

2006-02-06T03:46:00.000+08:00

It is now close to 4am. I am unable to sleep. Also having a cramp and no, it is not PMS or that time of the month. I do not have that time of the months (Don't ask).

I started thinking back to the past few nights Chris and I spoke about her ex. She is unwilling to let him go because she feels she did not do her best. She is determined to get her back.

Ever since she and I started broaching on relationship issues, I have been starting to think of him. Chris was saying how together I look and appear. She says it is near impossible for her.

Am I together? Do I look as though this breakup doesn't bug me?
Do I really?
Then why are the after-effects still traumatising me?
Why am I up at 4am on a work night, tossing and turning?
Why am I still doing battle each sunrise to get outtav bed and live? (No...I am not suicidal)

Chris asked why wouldn't I want to get him back if I am not able to let it go. I told her that if he is unwilling to work at it or even give us a chance, it will end up being an acquisition. That means it will be a matter of me trying to get what I want. The relationship will have no value after I get what I want. I refuse to let myself be that wilful. I cannot live a life where I am not loved and treasured 100%. I cannot be in a one-way relationship. I refuse to allow myself to beg him back. Enough is enough.

She says she will not allow pride to get her in way in her instance. I told her it wasn't a matter of pride at all. If pleading with him to come back was what he needed to see how much I loved him, I would do it in the blink of an eye.

I just deleted two paragraphs of depicting what it was that was killing me in the relationship.
No, I won't do it. I do not want to talk about it anymore.
The time to talk has passed. It is over. I will get over.

I Am Getting Married

2006-02-05T15:11:00.000+08:00

Ok to cut to the chase, Christ met this Thai fortune-teller that told her the story of her life without any hints or generic bullshit and predicted her future for her. Needless to say, I was quite amazed that there was the existence of such "superbeings".

Apparantly Chris had to beg her to see me coz she was fully booked. Chris begged her to foretell my fortune and so I got my appointment. It reminded me of how kids would drop all their household chores to take a peek at the fat lady's caravan or even the caravan with the man who had a head shaped like an elephant, when the circus was in town.

To cut an extremely long post short, I deduced the following from having my "fortune" told:

I am going to marry a 40yr-old industrious cab driver who may be asian or caucasian or just has really blond hair. I should start a relationship with said cab driver in July 2006, for at least a year and then get married and have kids. My husband owns the cab. I will be married between 32 (which is now btw) and 34. (Nevermind that I do not believe in marriage or have problems having kids.)

So! Prepare Ang Baos everyone... I am getting married in July 2007!
Sshould I "rejoice" or cry for my loss of "freedom".

p.s. Goodness! I paid to hear that "fortune"? Well, laughter is a treasured commodity, hence the price. Ah well... money well spent.

2006 Changes

2006-02-03T13:01:00.000+08:00

I remember posting some time back about a new position within the company I am in.

Well, I talked to the manager yesterday and asked her what will happen if the CEO decides to resolve the recruitment whilst I am away in Europe. She says so far she hasn't heard from him yet. She asked if I have made my decision. Told her I was hoping to take the opportunity whilst I am away to think things over carefully. I told her the only concern I had was the remuneration and she revealed how many months' bonus she got for Year 2005. Gosh! It ain't little at all!

I was talking to a colleague from my department today and she started to ask when I would be on leave and when I would be back. I finally decided now would be a good time to confirm my suspicions that she would be leaving soon and asked her. She smilingly said that she just tendered on the 1st of February. This is a good thing for she is leaving to join her church as an administrative personnel and will be receiving training for missions (which is her ultimate goal). I am real glad for her and realise that this is an important step for her.

Then whilst colleagues and I were chatting during lunch, I made a snap decision to at least try for the position and have a chat with the CEO to find out exactly what's in store. I came back early from lunch and started trailing the manager after he came out of the conference room. I was amused to discover the first thing he looked, was at my hands (to see if I was going to tender my resignation).

We walked to his room and he jokingly asked if I wanted to give him an envelope. I joked back that he had no heart, that after 4 years of my life, he expects me to give him an envelope just because I wanted to talk to him.

In all seriousness, I then told him that I didn't want to give him my resignation but instead, would like to try for the new position. I asked that he inform my CEO about my intentions so that we can talk it over. I am worried that my manager may not release me for we are going to be shorthanded soon. On top of that, word on the grapevine is that another might be tendering soon too, dependant on how his interview works out.

I would like to think that I have grown just a teensy weensy bit this year.
The ability to step out of the mold and risk changes with a job.
The ability to just book a ticket and fly off to a place I really want to see, all on my own, without prior preparation.

Am suitably impressed with myself.

Paging for Ginger

2006-02-02T10:02:00.000+08:00

I don't know what email you gave me but erm I emailed it and some stranger called Heather Steward received the email!

She was sweet though, she said it might be a wrong email but I sounded like I was going through a tough time and to take care!

See lah! Tell you secrets including my bank account number and password in that email and it seems it was the wrong email address.

Pls update and send me a correct email please.

Nightmare 102, Flight AF 256

2006-02-02T00:22:00.000+08:00

I wasn't going to blog today, but decided I should, if nothing but a reminder of how silly I was when I next look back.

I had a nightmare again last night. It was a sleep un-induced by chemical aid. I slept at 4.30am and at 5.30am, the nightmare started. Something about being chased, being trapped and being killed. Over and over and over again. I told myself to wake up and stop this nightmare but I couldn't. I finally woke up coz some kind soul was calling me on my HP. (Ok under normal circumstances, that kind soul and his entire ancestry and family line would be cursed till kingdom come, but these are difficult times and exceptions must be made.)

I was drenched in sweat. I always thought television dramas with people jumping awake and breathing hard were ... well.. dramas. I experienced it last night. The fear thundering in my heart, sweat-drenched, and basically just experiencing a shortness of breath.

Hence, that was the theme for my day. I was feeling moody that it's been awhile and I'm still being silly by having ridiculous nightmares. I decided then that I had to turn the funk and thus proceeded to calling the Misa Travel website and check on cheaper airfares. They told me that Air France and KLM was fully booked due to the promotion. The next available choice was to go via KLM normal price at S$990.

I was frustrated and decided to go surf Air France's website instead. I keyed in the exact dates I wanted and the air fare was S$2,005. I then started fooling around with the dates till I found the rate S$888. Excited, I called Air France and spoke to a delightful little french lady.

We started planning my ticket then. I was even more thrilled when I found that I could have the ticket at the same price, with an open jaw option (Arrive and depart from different cities).
Finally! I'm getting a break!

The french lady and I were discussing my travel plans, she applauding my bravado at travelling solo to such a distant land at such cold weathers. She wistfully said she wishes she were going to Vienna too.

We had such fun laughing over what time I should plan my connecting flight from Paris (oh yeah! I'm going Paris apparantly!) to Vienna. Apparantly Charles de Gaulle, the parisan airport is pretty large and I told her to factor in time for me to literally crawl from Terminal 2C to 2D, with time built in for getting lost in between the two terminals. She planned time for me to take a 2 hour bus out into the city, take a quick spin around and take the same 2 hour bus ride back to the airport. Sweet!

That being done, I discovered my ad in a travel forum churned back a reply from an american lady staying in Prague. She offered to meet up with me in Prague for dinner and drinks. She also added a bonus prize by saying that she doesn't mind seeing Krakow with me over a weekend and then offered me her couch for the time I will be in Prague! Kewl Ass!

Anyways, these two things happening within a half hour of each other, helped to sooth a little of the nightmarish aftertaste I still had lingering in me. Brains calmed a little and I started to feel my world come into focus again.

Phew!

Hmmm... The Force is Still Strong

2006-02-01T02:07:00.000+08:00

Reading through the earlier blog, I decided I needed to do more justice to my fantabulous day.

So here are the rest of the more interesting pics I managed to snap... I feel so touristy today and I haven't left for Europe yet!

The Force Seen and Mastered!

2006-02-01T00:26:00.000+08:00

For the uninitiated, this blog is about Star Wars, Star Wars and Star Wars.

I met James at the Science Centre today for the miniscule Star Wars exhibition. I didn't feel a sense of anticipation throughout until I was in the line to pay for our entrance tickets (S$18 nonetheless!).

I caught sight of "Obi Wan Kenobi" "Anikin" on posters and lifesized standies and suddenly... I was excited. I wondered if I would get a chance at the "Light Sabers" or even if they were the real thing.

I had forgotten how much Star Wars thrilled me.

I walked into the merchandise store and started ooh-ing and wah-ing at all the different miniature Light Sabers being displayed. I turned around, and started hearing these voices beckoning me. They sounded like echo-ey sounds of a Light Saber being swished about. I gravitated towards the glass table and there resting innocuously, were 4 Light Sabers with a cardboard handwritten sign resting next to the 1.25m long sabers. It said "Please Do Not Touch The light Sabers".

Subconsciously, my fingers started to gingerly skim along the entire length of the light sabers. They were cool and smooth to the touch, fingers proceeded down the length, millimeter by millimeter, to the man-sized handles. The cool reflective metal set my heart a-pitter-patter. I was looking at all the different buttons and switches and before I knew it, something clicked (Oh! Did I Do That???) and the Light Saber came alive. It not only came alive, it came alive with a loud but low quiet hum. Transfixed, the noise from the crowd filtered off to constellations of nothing-ness and I was alone with the Light Saber.

I picked up the Light Saber and realised that the choice was made. It was the same Light Saber that Darth Vader uses, Red. The Saber called to me and in my hands as I lifted it above my head, I was one with the Light Saber. With each flick of my wrist, the Light Saber emitted a hum mimicking the speed of the movement. The faster I flicked from left to right, the more urgent the hum. James broke me from my reverie and it was then that we started to spar. I egged James to use his "caucasian power" to get the staff to take pics of us in mid-fight, in a face-off and with the sabers crossed, good and evil about to swipe the head off an unworthy opponent. I was all prepared to beg plead and cry if the staff rejected James. Thankfully, I did not have to stoop to such unglamarous antics in the end.

We had such exhileration walking through the exhibition thereafter, every single lifesized figurine, uniform, starship, bad and good character, brought back pieces of my life as each episode was made (Some of the episodes spanned a couple of years in between).

I got home slightly before midnight because we had errands to do in town as well, but tired as I was, I managed to load, resize and correct all the pics from today.

Oh yeah! I also managed to find my 'The One' in here too... wanna make a quick guess which one is my "The One"?

May The Force Be With You

2006-01-31T13:05:00.000+08:00

"A long time ago, in a Galaxy far far away..."

I found out that the local Science Centre was having a Star Wars Exhibition / Symposium of sorts.

I went nuts.

So, for the rest of today, James and I are going to indulge the geeky side of us.

And the inevitable fight will then pursue... to suppress my bad personna and be a Jedi Master, doing good and saving the pathetic human race? Or to suppress the good side and be Darth Vadar or Darth Maul, banishing human race to the lowest rungs of lifeforms where they should be?

Decisions... Decisions!

First Day of CNY 2006

2006-01-29T08:45:00.000+08:00

As with all cultural norms, a family's tradition is what links remembrance of an occassion. A simple example would be having a cake with candle blowing would link to birthdays.

And so, as I have not slept since yesterday, I was happily trawling around the web when I heard mom get up at 6ish. I heard her pottering in the kitchen and soon enuff, could hear a very faint sizzle. I wondered if she was starting to fry the entire batch of pink rice cakes already.

As I sat here wondering what to do next, I found my attention meandering to the rice cakes she most likely is frying. On the first day of the Chinese Lunar New Year, Mom fries these ordinary pink fluffy, doughy rice cakes in a non-stick pan. It is fried to a crisp on the outside so that the rice within is just warmed, and eaten with a vinegary garlic chilli and sweet black sauce. Giving it more thought as I did since I am still conscious at 9am, this seems to be the one food that seem to symbolize the starting of a brand new year to me. The Ang Baos (money given by relatives) and snacks seem to pale in comparison when it comes to the symbolism, to me.

Hmmm... strange isn't it? Something as simple and innocuous as these ricecakes holding so much meaning for me. I don't even eat them on a regular day but come the first day of chinese new year, I have to have them else it is just not quite the start of a brand new year.

I am sure if I were to one day live alone or with someone, I would panfry these rice cakes on the first day of CNY too. =)

Oh! I hear relatives coming into the house now, gonna climb into bed to try to catch some shut-eye, will wake when relatives have stopped torturing my doggie woggie and are all gone.

Bye for now!

Chinese New Year Eve 2006

2006-01-28T14:17:00.000+08:00

This is perhaps one of the more rare occassions of Chinese New Year (CNY) eve that I will be spending home, and actually cleaning. No, I do not live in a pigsty that requires minimal cleaning. I do clean occassionally when I am in the mood.

Today is when I finally stop procrastinating and shift the silver metallic chest of drawers into my room, to match my silver-framed frosted glass-top desk. Reason I have been putting it off is so that I do not have to catch glimpses of things that remind me of things I have no wish to remember at this point in time. All went well, minimal reminders of things I have no wish to see just yet.

I decided I shall move one step up the ladder of recovery and attack on my digicam next. There are pics there of him and I, and common friends. I have left it on my SD card and not loaded it into my PC for the longest time. I guess it is time to throw out the old and make space for the new. I heard / read some brainiac say that if you do not make space within to accommodate the new, nothing new is ever gonna happen.

I hope nothing tragic happens at the end of this exercise. *whimsical quick or lips*

Anyways, here's wishing one and all the very best that the New Year has to offer, and if you are suffering from some setback like I am, take heart dear ones... the time will come when it will pass. Be strong，Be Brave.

新年快乐，万事如意！

Another Sleepless Night's Ramblings

2006-01-27T04:44:00.000+08:00

It's the end of the work week and I have finally ended my hectic after-work schedule for now. Now I have 6 glorious days ahead to rest for Chinese New Year. Pity I ain't using this opportunity to leave the country. I was due to join a tour group, leaving on 29th Jan but at the last minute, I decided against subjecting myself to 13 strangers, all of whom are couples with one being two parents and a kid.

My boss is due back in the office come 1st Feb. *sigh* Good times never last long enough.

At least I made progress today. Went out and got my guidebook to Eastern Europe. Managed to meet English friend who just came in from UK. Mission Accomplished.

It is now 5am and I am sitting here, restless. Wondering what I can do. Hmmm.. What CAN I do...? I would go to sleep if I could, but hmmm I can't.

I remember just two days back, I managed to let things get me so down that I cancelled my after work plans and came home to hide. Thankfully I had a friend who called at my beheist and we spoke at length.

Things today took a turn for the better, or at least part of my two-part problem managed to settle itself without me doing anything. The remainder now is just my trip.

Hmmm maybe I should go read now. I've got nothing and nobody else awake at this deadly still of the night... *potters off*

Apologies to any readers out there who has just wasted 5 minutes of his/her time reading this rambling...

Luge Strategy: Lie Flat and Try Not To Die

2006-01-25T09:55:00.000+08:00

This is why I deplore being busy and having absolutely no time to sulk at home with I, Me and Myself.

Ever so often, my schedule gets turned into a tornado measuring at least a F4 on the Fujita scale. This in itself is fine. I just get home tired and come 3am, I am comatose, ready to repeat the cycle the next day. My brain however, is a fervant subscriber to the Law of Physics where 'Every Action Causes An Equal and Opposite Reaction". Following this logic, the action would be the hectic schedule, hence the reaction would be my emotions getting affected and lately, it has been looking like a possible F5 damage scene.

I suppose it is a good thing to be extremely busy but the aftermath of destruction and desolation has become more intolerable lately.

I had one such episode last night after getting home. It has absolutely nothing to do with whom I was with prior to the episode, nor any particular incident that happened. It just happened within two blinks of the eye after I showered.

Perhaps I am losing it, perhaps it is normal, sometimes when disaster has struck, the realisation doesn't ever hit home till much later. I was perhaps running on the last vestiges of insulin and didn't feel the pain and shock till much later. And then POW! Alarms were clanging from the depths of my medulla, then the tornado broke. By the time I gained consciousness, I saw little men walking around the destruction site, that is my heart, assessing the damage. I saw them scribbling notes in their clipboards, thereafter pronouncing that this has been a F4 Tornado.

What remains now is for me to start damage control. I doubt this time round, I want to start collecting 'relief funds' (i.e. talking to friends). I am probably going to adopt the Luge Strategy and that is : Lie Flat And Try NOT To Die.

Pop Quiz

2006-01-23T15:51:00.000+08:00

I know a moron who was so bored that he tasked me to find the meanings of the following terms linked to aviation (questionable for Qn 10) and WWII as a Pop Quiz. So whilst listening in on a boring meeting, I managed to scrounge my shallow depths of knowledge and googled the rest:

1) Wilco - Will comply / Will Co-operate

2) Pancake - Code for Operation to destroy enemy forces’ supplies and equipment in bologna, italy area in December 1944

3) Servicable - Service area; Area in which the administrative services of a major military organization, such as an army or an air force are located

4) Scratch - n. Money

5) Ack – Ack - “Ack” stood for “A”. Ack-Ack stands for antiaircraft gun also, and especially antiaircraft fire.

6) Meatball - The glidescope light that pilots watch when they’re trapping.
Option 2: What is left of the moron who gave me this quiz!)

7) Buster - Maximum emergency power
(wanna tell me what ballbuster means??)

8) Zeke - Mitsubishi A6M Reisen (zero) IJNAF fighter

9) Wizard - Really first class, superlative, attractive, ingenuous (awww. thanks!)
Wizard (Kite) - RAF’s definition to mean “great airplane”

10) Scuttlebutt - A butt was a barrel. Scuttle meant to chop a hole in something. The
scuttlebutt was a water barrel with a hole cut into it so that sailors could
reach in and dip out drinking water. The scuttlebutt was the place where
the ship's gossip was exchanged. HELLO! This is a naval term!

*waits for silence and then thunderous applause as well as promised prize for doing quiz*

Baddie-Minton

2006-01-23T11:13:00.000+08:00

I was waiting for a cab to work again and I saw the silhouette of a man whom I used to know when he was a teenager. Seeing him reminded me of the fun times I had as a child.

We were all kids then and used to have major badminton get-togethers in the court beside our block. Players in my apartment block came from a myriad of age ranges. There was my group (teens), there was the sibling group (teenagers), there was the experienced "pro"s (21 and above).

The mothers of all teen girls only allowed us to play well into the night only if there were Jies (sisters), Kors (brothers) or Pros around. Safety then was still a major concern in our mothers' eye. Our mothers and my nanny would occassionally spot check from the kitchen window, so we had to ensure that we never wandered off from the badminton court at all times. The Jies, Kors and Pros made it their duty to ensure everyone played the game well and learn the correct terms from the get-go. It was here that I grew from a cry-baby to a girl who could take the pain of a Pro smashing the shuttlecock into my thigh without flinching, to being able to flick these smashes. I also learnt how to stretch limbs to reach from drop shot to drop shot from side to side. I think it was during one of these Pro-terror sessions that I grew a phobia of standing in front of the net for a doubles team. But I would like to think that all this has helped me grow up taller and stronger than most girls. developed a stronger than most girls right arm, and my smashes send most girls shrieking into the corners of the court, crying for their mommies *proud*.

It was thus no wonder that all of us graduated to playing for our school teams. We sometimes met each other at inter-school national competitions and this was when the years of practice, knowing each others' weak spots came to work for us. There was no malice however. Some of us made it to the F&N teams. This was also where I caused permanent damage to my right knee *sob*.

Occassionally, we had to share the court with kids from the neighbouring blocks. This was when minor psychological warfare began. Whichever group was there last, would sit on the stone benches to watch the 'enemy' play and snicker if they didn't make the lob or drop shot. As we matured year by year, we started to play together, first as opponents of Blocks A and B, graduating to couple groups so the strength of teams were evenly matched. In retrospect, I find it fascinating to watch maturity and hormones change even a simple thing as playing badminton.

Anyways, this guy P was from the Block B. He was a shy teenager and perhaps about 4 years my senior. We noticed him because he was painfully quiet and shy. However, everyone but me seemed to notice that he spent a lot of time staring at me play. I found it an annoyance, for guys who are quiet didn't and still don't attract me. I did however notice him for his ungainly gait. He had a longer left stride. I always found it weird for his feet looked even matched and his game although, wasn't the best, he had nice form whilst playing.

As I brought myself back from my reverie, I watched him walk past the car park. He still had that ungainly walk, he had a haversack on his back and was walking back to Block B. Aside from a little receding hairline, nothing about him changed. His quiet demeanour still apparant, the way he looked at the floor as he walked. Mousie is the word I will use to describe his appearance though in reality, he isn't.

He doesn't seem to have changed on the outside. I wonder at that. How can a person not change from the days of his childhood after having experienced life? Was he happily married with kids now? Did that still not change him as a person? I thought back to myself. Have I changed? Has life made me wiser and better? Or have I let life bring me down from the once innocent kid I was eons back?

An Acquaintance

2006-01-22T13:09:00.000+08:00

I once knew this person some time ago, let's just call him M. I broke off acquaintance with him way back when he started to get really, really creepy.

He had known who my ex, JS, was. They were both in the force, one in the Air Force, one in Navy. He then started telling me how JS's ex-gf was living near him. Started to tell me that this ex-gf was sharing with him things about JS. I was uncomfortable at this stage, thinking what the hell is M up to? Last thing I would want is for him to be friends with JS and I would have to start seeing JS as a friend, together with M and JS's ex-gf. I started to distance myself then.

Soon after, I met D (current heartbreak) & we were in the beginning stages of a relationship when D was hospitalised. M started to creep me out BIG TIME when he started pestering me to tell him D's full name, his hospital and ward numbers. It was almost as if he had planned to go down to check D out (best scenario) or go down to attack/confront/embarrass him or me/blah blah (worst scenario).

That was the time I decided I would cut off all contact with this creep. I started to ignore him. He started sending me smses like how he didn't realise I was the sort to desert a friend after getting a boyfriend and just generally bugged me. I told him once that I didn't appreciate emotional blackmail and for him to have a good life ahead. After that I just totally did not reply him and deleted his number. He would sms me once in awhile, and every birthday or Christmas or New Year and Chinese New Year, he would send me a greeting sms. I ignored him all the same. It has been 4 odd years now.

Yesterday, he smsed me again, wishing me an advance CNY for me and my family. I replied asking who that was. After he replied his name, I forced myself to reply a short one saying "Thanks. You too." I thought that was the end of that till next festive holiday.

He smsed me this morning at 7am, apologising for disturbing me this early, saying his dog collapsed and he needed money for a heart operation. Says the cost was $350 and he only had $200. Asked if I could loan him $150. I ignored him all the same. Perhaps I am just that heartless (for both his Retrievers are cute and smart) but I just don't believe him. A dog's heart operation just isn't so cheap. And how more co-incidental that after I replied him, he asked for money the very next day.

Sorry dude... no can do. You have a nice life you hear?

A Wedding and A Contradiction

2006-01-20T09:51:00.000+08:00

I attended my first wedding of Year 2006 two days ago.

Whilst in the lobby, I was wistfully thinking to the numerous times he and I had been here. Him rushing out of the office to have his birthday dinner with me at Morton's. Enjoying our Morton's Martinis with Steak Finger Sandwiches here. The numerous late night movies we watched at Marina.

Needless to say, these pangs were self inflicted and not appropriate whilst attending a wedding. In the midst of my revelry, his best friend messaged me. He wanted to know how I was doing. I thought it strange that on the same day I had spoken to 'him', his best friend smsed to find out how I was (大概是想太多了吧？）. It was probably because his son's first-month celebration was close and I had informed them then that I couldn't be at the party coz I am still not ready to face him.

His best friend, best friend's wife (Mr & Mrs Smith) and I have always been close. They recently become proud parents a week after my split. I had garnered superhuman strength before I could visit them at the hospital. Truth be told, I only managed to embarrass myself when Mrs Smith asked how I was doing. Thankfully, we were alone then and no one saw my moment of fraility and being a new mother, she had tonnes of visitors trooping in and out every 10 minutes.

I digress... so throughout our smses, Mr Smith seemed anxious to know if I was doing alright and was insistent that they love me to bits nonetheless and want to remain friends. He commented also on how tired they have been and the lack of sleep that caused it. He seemed torn between trying to contain his joy at his new baby (by the way, baby has a fantabulous name) and being solomn for my grief. I tried my best to make my replies sound upbeat, eager to meet up and joy for his baby and absolutely grief-less. Afterall, I had been their wedding co-ordinator and practically ran the wedding schedule that night. I was also the organizer of Mrs Smith's bachelorette night where security had to visit our hotel room (memories, memories).

We ended the barrage of smses with Mr Smith's corny reassurance that they know I still love them nonetheless and that they are eager to meet up with me.

I managed to push these sms-ed thoughts to the back of my head, held my head high with a smile pasted on my face, and entered the wedding venue. I dutifully looked through the wedding album, made the appropriate ooh-ahhs, applauded the walk-in and solomnization, hugged the bride, told bride how great she looked (which of course, she truthfully did). What a show I had put on!

In retrospect, I now dread when Mr & Mrs Smith and I have to meet up. No, I do love them dearly and for the antics that the they bring to my life. However, I fear when I am asked how I am, and the look of absolute concern on their faces. I fear breaking down. I fear them finding out I'm still hurting. I fear seeing their faces lined with worry over me. I fear the fear.

I told Mr Smith this previously at the hospital and I still say it now, I will not confide in Mr & Mrs Smith. They are his friends and I will not put them in such a position where they have to take sides (Mr Smith said the missus gave quite a tongue lashing to him on the day she gave birth). I will not cause Mr Smith to be a little less of a friend to him or even empathize his thoughts. I will share in their joy for their newborn. I will be a memory and a friend to them but that is only because it will ease their worry and concern. I will put up another show even if it kills me.

Very soon I am sure, it will no longer be a show. In time... in time.

A Letter To Send You On Your Way

2006-01-19T15:00:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, as I was waiting for the cab to pick me up and send me to the office, I decided to check the mailbox for new mails.

I found two small white envelopes neatly typed, with stamps and the postmaster's stamp across the stamp. I realised the envelopes were not addressed to anyone. It just had my mailing address. I assumed the address was typed with an old fashioned typewritter because the font was very 'blocky'. I mused over the use of an old fashioned typewriter in this day and age.

Opening the first letter, I came across a singular piece of paper, printed to resemble a $50 actual currency note. The Chinese call this 'Hell Money'. This is usually burnt for their deceased so that they will not be poor in the netherlands (Hey! I don't write the legends, I just tell it). Apparently all chinese who die go to hell or something. Don't ask me why. It's even illegal to have chewing gum in this country!

There was also a miniscule piece of white paper about 4 inches long and 2.5 inches in width. On this white slip, were red, typed chinese characters there gave information of a lady, her Identity Card Number, her address in the same block as mine. She was living in #A1-83, I was living on #X9-85. There were also chinese characters which literally translated, read:
"Owe Money Pay Money.
If you still do not pay automatically,
be careful your house gets locked"

I went weak with disgust. I opened the second letter and it was a replica of the first. Sigh... I don't even know the lady in the unit. What the hell? My family were neither borrowers, nor do we indulge in vices.

In the next instance, my family's safety ran through my head. I wondered if every household got this letter or if it was just mine. What would happen if my family was in danger simply because they weren't on their most vigilant the day these Scums-of-Earth paid a visit?

My cab came just then. With a sigh, I decided to do what most cantonese would do at being treated with such ill-intent, and muttered a rather loud: "Ngor CHOY Gor lei!! Dai Ga Lai See!"

Just How Long Before One Is OK?

2006-01-18T13:41:00.000+08:00

Had to sms him today for information. Expected him to reply via sms with information.
He called instead, and not on his HP but from his usual private number.

I took the call, with what was a neutral yet slightly upbeat voice. He didn't want to email the information to me, instead he asked that I note it down during this teleconversation.

I was going to tell him that I might forget but couldn't find my voice suddenly. I felt my heart grow slightly heavier and then I felt my heart dislodge from the chest cavity.

We ended the call shortly. All in all, I would say the call took less than 1.5 minutes. I had thought I would be alright to take a simple non-romantic telephone conversation with him. Well, I thought wrong.

Just how long more would it have to take before I can look myself in the mirror and say:
"I am really going to be ok".

Just how long more is enough time?

Another Catch-Up Session and Flashback 202

2006-01-17T23:31:00.000+08:00

Another tiring day out with friends. I am mentally drained.

I did a little shopping before L joined me 45 minutes later. We walked for another half an hour before I told her I had to have my first meal of the day immediately, otherwise I will not be able to keep any food down.

Without even waiting for N, we ordered and sat down to eat. It was fairly simple chinese fair, not overtly oily but carbohydrate laden nonetheless. I didn't eat more than 5 spoonfuls of rice before I started feeling bloated. I had a sinking feeling something wasn't right. I left the carbs aside and just had a couple of strands more of vegetable and another little bite of the teriyaki toufu. Soon after, N arrived and ordered his dinner. By then, I had already stopped eating for I was afraid I would hurl soon.

L and I went out for a smoke and this was when she asked how He was. I had to tell her that we were no longer a 'we'. She gasped before staring at me for signs of emotion. I had no detail to provide. I had no more tears to shed. I had nothing to show for the massive battle I had just weathered. I had no proof of scars for my injury laden body.

She tried prying a little more information out of me and all I could think about was how strange it was that everyone tended to ask who initiated it. Did it matter anymore? Was not the well-being of a friend all the information you needed? I brushed these distraction antics aside and focused on what she was saying. She stared at my face for a long while, in between puffs, for tears or emotion. Nothing.

It was strange to feel nothing. No pain, no anger, no emotion, just... nothing. She gave me a huge hug and said I have always been so strong. I think I muttered "It's ok and I'm ok".
I wish I had a placard to hang around my neck. The placard would say:
" My name is Chaos. I have just had a bad break-up and this is a scene of crime. But it's ok and I am ok. Move along now, nothing to see folks."

I felt myself drain immediately after the cigarettes. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I had nothing interesting to add to the conversation with N and L. I listened to them talk and tried to smile normally. I might have appeared as a very interesting piece of driftwood or a moronic cheshire cat or a mixture of both.

I gave L a lift in my cab on the way home, and as she was alighting, she said she would sms me once she arrived home. I had not asked her to nor is it my habit for friends to report to me or for me to report to them on having arrived home, safely. Did that make me the butch of the friendship then? I shudder to fathom that being independant meant I had to be the 'guy' in a friendship of two girls.

I then had another flashback of a conversation I had with him 2.3 years ago. He had sent me home and no more than ten minutes later, he called me. He reiterated that he knows I'm an independant person, but I should still learn to give him an sms to let him know I had arrived home safely. I had joked then that the road from the carpark to the xth level of my flat was so fraught with danger, that I had forgotten to report to him. He tried several times after that, reminding me to sms him or call him the moment I entered the front door. For some reason, no matter what I did, I always forgot. Every single time. Unintentional and no rebellion intended.
I just couldn't seem to remember.

Learning

2006-01-17T16:17:00.000+08:00

Over the past month and 2 days, I discovered that I have had to re-learn a couple of things I took for granted.

Sleep. Something so simple and natural is now fraught with nightmares, jolting awake with fear gripping my heart after a mere two hours of sleep, chemically induced migraines, memories, sense of loss upon waking up.

Mandarin. Something I once learnt eons ago and have not missed since my secondary school days (again I stress on the word 'Eons').

Eating. Again, a simplistic act in itself and for some, an enjoyment even. Having to remember what to eat and also trying to find a motivation to eat at the right times is a chore.

Conclusion: confirms belief that the human mind has a great propensity for growth. We are afterall, as some theories have stated, utilizing only 10% of our brain power.

I Carry Your Heart by E.E. Cummings

2006-01-15T19:38:00.000+08:00

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

As with literature, poetry is beautiful in that it speaks to everyone in its own way. Some may read this and think it is written about a lover. Others may read this and think of the love and affection between sisters, brothers or friends.

For me, the love for the literary piece is not of the depth of emotion the author is revealing. To me, it is more of the singular line "i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart). If you have realised, it is sometimes impossible to guard even our own heart with the maximum of care, what more to guard the heart of a loved-one within your own. Hmmm I cannot empathise more, than now.

Friends

2006-01-15T19:29:00.000+08:00

I just got back from a movie. In the movie, granddaughter was asking her grandmother, who was a loner, whether she spent time talking to her girlfriends about her first sexual experience. To which, the grandmother said it was during her wedding night and in her time, no one talks about such topics, it was inferred.

The granddaughter then remarked that the grandmother has thus missed out on one of the best times of her life, talking about sexual experiences with best friends.

Hearing this makes me think back to the hours and hours of enjoyment my friends and I had. Sharing about our sexual escapades... Hmmm ... Memories are good things aren't they?

Well... I am glad I have been made privvy to such 'occassions'.

One Art by Elizabeth Bishop

2006-01-15T19:15:00.000+08:00

ONE ART

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
-- Elizabeth Bishop

Was just reminded of this poem I once favoured... think it's beautiful and decided to share. It seems apt to my current frame of mind, and the author was not referring to the loss of a lover (contrary to popular belief), but a friend.

Written to resemble a cavalier afterthought, made all the more poignant by the irony of it.

A Bloomin' Mushroom

2006-01-13T13:46:00.000+08:00

Colleague reminded me that she is doing her hair this Sunday and that if I wanted to colour my hair, I should make the appointment and we can go together.

I am still unsure what I can do to make a drastic change.

I had the scariest of shock when after having had my trim, that my new cut is not shower friendly. If I took a shower and left the hair to dry naturally, I would look like a rather large portobello mushroom. The stylist had layered the bottom part of my tresses by too much and the portion from my chin to about 5 inches after my shoulders, is rather long and lean. The top... oh my goodness, the top from the chin to the tips of my head, well its got a rather strong mind of its own. It blooms at will and whenever you aren't looking, it tends to curve in the oddest of ways.

I would like to be able to say that I look like a cute portobello mushroom though... sadly, even I am not able to create such a lie of the century.

I now spend 45 mins after each shower, alternating between trying to terrorize and coax the mushroom to lie flat against my head in one direction, whilst trying to tease the portion from the chin downwards to fluff out a little and to stand proud. This is all done with the help of a hair dryer, which gleefully takes opportunities to scald my scalp into patches of cooked flesh.

Aye... the troubles of having caught a stylist on a bad day. He is banned henceforth btw...
Goodbye Christopher! It was good while it lasted though but you are bad for my ego, and between my ego and you, I'm sorry you have to go.

A Lateral Jump & Affirmation of a Political Game

2006-01-13T13:38:00.000+08:00

Had our annual meeting yesterday. Was announced that a position I had coveted for 2 years is finally open and they will allow an internal recruit first.

I am now stuck between making a lateral jump where the con might be a salary cut and low bonuses and staying where I am right now, getting more than the new position, but hating every living, breathing minute with my current superior.

The good thing from the meeting though, is that our appraisals are done and I have finally gotten my bonus for Year 2005. I have mixed feelings about what I got. I had already predicted that with the increment and bonus I got in Jan 2005, I would be stagnated and the bonus percentage would be definitely low. As such, I didn't give it my all but generally, I think I managed to pull my weight and bring in the figures.

The management's explanation during the meeting was that higher salaried staff would not be getting a high bonus percentage, whereas the administrative personnel with very moderate salaries will be getting higher bonus percentage to make up for the loss in their monthly salaries.

All sound reasoning...which still sucks like hell at the end of the day when the receiver opens her envelope to glance at the cheque.

No matter... with this, I am now able to plan for my trip to Europe with peace of mind.

Superwoman Seeks Superman With Handy Aeroplane

2006-01-12T13:18:00.000+08:00

After our long ass drone of a meeting this morning, the results are out.

We will not be getting our bonus till after Chinese New Year.

That means I will not be able to seek the reprieve I have been eagerly awaiting till a little later.

Any superhero out there with a handy aeroplane to whisk me off to neverneverland? At this rate, I will even consider North Pole. Just somewhere cold to dull my senses. Maybe I should put out an ad out in the Chaos Chronicles:

Superwoman Seeks Superman with appetite for Adventure.
Me, dying to freeze my superbutt in the cold.
You, the hero to bring Superwoman for a holiday in aeroplane.
Willing to pay my own food and lodging.

Nightmare 101

2006-01-11T23:02:00.000+08:00

Had a migraine. Against better judgement, went to bed to rest for a bit.

Had another friggin nightmare again in that short span of time.

I was packing my stuff from his place. His room door opened and his cousin's wife walked out. She looked across the hall and saw me packing. She turned around and asked him why I was still there. Apparantly, the two of them are together now (This is a girl that he doesn't even like!).

She held onto his hand and walked towards me. He said I had to leave. I was infuriated. I was packing wasn't I??! I suddenly turned around and wondered when the hell they got together and my seat wasn't even cold yet!

She saw my look, smiled ever so sweetly, and spouted some gushing gooey love story as though I was her best friend. I felt her words were edged with broken glass, razor sharp and ready to draw blood.

They both turned and walked back to his room, closing the door on me. I was left alone outside, packing my stuff but I couldn't move no matter how much I urged myself to pack and leave.

What a loser nightmare huh?

If I could but choose whom I love...I would also be able to choose what I would have a nightmare about... this is nonsense!

A Tale Of Two Cities

2006-01-11T14:44:00.000+08:00

Have you ever noticed how time seems to crawl when things in life are difficult?
Arguably, it stands to reason that a disturbed mind pays more attention to Father Time because more concentration is spent on worry than being engaged in everyday life.

I have a splitting migraine on my cerebral cortex. It started as a little gnawing annoyance. It has now been promoted to a migraine. Well Done Cortex! Good on ya!

Wanna be home...
Quit whining, can you not sense that the freedom is drawing nearer with each stab of clarity?

I have been in a state of trance at work today, going through the motions with absolutely no clarity nor recollection on what it was that I did.
That shouldn't be an unfamiliar senstation...

Wanna be home...
Again, quit whining

I managed to muster enough courage today to log in, I saw him. I went back into hiding. I do not think he has left the country yet.

Be brave fragile one. You simply must not let an absolute unworthy existence diminish yours.
Riiight...have you never heard of how a void or vacuum can diminish even the brightest of flames or prevent one from being lit?

1.5hours to go... I can't smell freedom as yet.
Always a good time to visit an ENT specialist. Good thing you don't have to visit a brain surgeon as yet, last I heard, brains were not available for transplant.

Flashback 101

2006-01-10T16:10:00.000+08:00

Slept at 6am without chemical aid.

Woke up from another jolt. In slumber, I guess I must have felt him again. A simple memory, of him being there beside me, of me turning over and able to drape an arm over his sleeping form.
Felt the security his presence brought.

I woke up and felt the loss once again.