Boundaries Don't Keep People Out; It Keeps You Boxed In

Was supposed to go to work on Tuesday. I just couldn't... Today might have been the day he left the country, or not. I don't know but that hollow achy feeling returned. I ended up taking leave. I felt bad.

In the end, A came over. We exchanged the loading of our animes and finally left the house to get groceries for my singular meal per day. I decided I didn't really want carbs in my meals since I now only eat dinner each day so we went in search of meats. I was planning to go Swiss Butchery for the variety of cuts and was in search of "stew beef" but in the end, we ended up in Cold Storage and they didn't have anything remotely resembling meats suitable for a stew. Moreover, the cuts seemed to have oxidised (if you can call it that) and there was a 2 colour tone to the cross sections. Momentarily, I lamented the fact that meat cuts weren't all that common here besides the usual chicken and pork in the wet market. I couldn't even get a decent slab of salmon in Cold Storage!

As I was planning how to cook the beef for dinner, I was suddenly hit with a pang of how he would have fixed ideas of how to prepare the meats or fish. I never had to bother with such decisions since he considered himself a great cook, and I let him have his way.

I made a sad statement later on to A, I said I would be having dinners alone for a very long time to come. It wasn't so much the being alone that bugged me, it was more of the fact that I admitted he wouldn't be in my life henceforth that got to me.

It feels extremely lonely without visions of him anymore in my future. It's almost the same as feeling alone in a crowd of friends. Everywhere I go, I still see flashbacks of us, I can't pronounce his namesake, go to places we used to go together, meet up with common friends. All of which this is extremely juvenile, even to me!! I heard this statement and cannot agree more: "Boundaries don't keep others out. It boxes yourself in". None of my friends can reach me, or perhaps I am just not ready to let them in.

I made a comment to an unknown blogger the other day about how I have not found the reason to motivate me to stop smoking. The blogger said to go back to the blog once I have. He wants to share that joy with me then. Something so innocently said, must have dragged up something deep within for that was when I started bawling. Gawd... I am a mess.