Another Catch-Up Session and Flashback 202

Another tiring day out with friends. I am mentally drained.

I did a little shopping before L joined me 45 minutes later. We walked for another half an hour before I told her I had to have my first meal of the day immediately, otherwise I will not be able to keep any food down.

Without even waiting for N, we ordered and sat down to eat. It was fairly simple chinese fair, not overtly oily but carbohydrate laden nonetheless. I didn't eat more than 5 spoonfuls of rice before I started feeling bloated. I had a sinking feeling something wasn't right. I left the carbs aside and just had a couple of strands more of vegetable and another little bite of the teriyaki toufu. Soon after, N arrived and ordered his dinner. By then, I had already stopped eating for I was afraid I would hurl soon.

L and I went out for a smoke and this was when she asked how He was. I had to tell her that we were no longer a 'we'. She gasped before staring at me for signs of emotion. I had no detail to provide. I had no more tears to shed. I had nothing to show for the massive battle I had just weathered. I had no proof of scars for my injury laden body.

She tried prying a little more information out of me and all I could think about was how strange it was that everyone tended to ask who initiated it. Did it matter anymore? Was not the well-being of a friend all the information you needed? I brushed these distraction antics aside and focused on what she was saying. She stared at my face for a long while, in between puffs, for tears or emotion. Nothing.

It was strange to feel nothing. No pain, no anger, no emotion, just... nothing. She gave me a huge hug and said I have always been so strong. I think I muttered "It's ok and I'm ok".
I wish I had a placard to hang around my neck. The placard would say:
" My name is Chaos. I have just had a bad break-up and this is a scene of crime. But it's ok and I am ok. Move along now, nothing to see folks."

I felt myself drain immediately after the cigarettes. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I had nothing interesting to add to the conversation with N and L. I listened to them talk and tried to smile normally. I might have appeared as a very interesting piece of driftwood or a moronic cheshire cat or a mixture of both.

I gave L a lift in my cab on the way home, and as she was alighting, she said she would sms me once she arrived home. I had not asked her to nor is it my habit for friends to report to me or for me to report to them on having arrived home, safely. Did that make me the butch of the friendship then? I shudder to fathom that being independant meant I had to be the 'guy' in a friendship of two girls.

I then had another flashback of a conversation I had with him 2.3 years ago. He had sent me home and no more than ten minutes later, he called me. He reiterated that he knows I'm an independant person, but I should still learn to give him an sms to let him know I had arrived home safely. I had joked then that the road from the carpark to the xth level of my flat was so fraught with danger, that I had forgotten to report to him. He tried several times after that, reminding me to sms him or call him the moment I entered the front door. For some reason, no matter what I did, I always forgot. Every single time. Unintentional and no rebellion intended.
I just couldn't seem to remember.