The Dream

I was seeing this guy T casually for a couple months before I left for Japan. We go out and stuff but aren't an exclusive item. I was comfortable with that. As I started traveling all around, I finally had time to catch up with friends back home since I chose hotels that had wifi. One of them, J, was so excited at hearing that I have been seeing some guy. She was gushing on and on and I was amused. I don't know what the fuss is... since it's someone I'm casually seeing and not a BF nor a husband-to-be.

When she heard that I don't call him every other day, she was quite taken aback. She says it doesn't sound like I was too into him. I revealed that the guy had asked before I left, if we could see each other exclusively. I told her that just hearing him say that, made me break out in mental hives. I told him that I wasn't quite ready to handle a relationship because truth be told, I have not been able to shuck that uneasy feeling whenever I think of getting into ANOTHER relationship. I don't know when I developed this commitment phobia and it could merely be symptomatic of a deeper issue but ah heck. I don't wanna delve into that right now.

Anyways, when I told T I wasn't sure a relationship was what I was looking for right now, T said it was ok, he would wait. I replied that I wasn't even sure after the wait, I would ever be ready. T shrugged and said that was his risk to take and he was fine with that. So this is where I left things before I left for Japan. I didn't even tell him I was leaving for Japan for 3 weeks, till I was at the airport, about to board my plane. I did say that I would not be contactable for a bit... because once I got back from Japan, I would be at work for a week before flying to Hong Kong.
He asked if things were ok with us and I said yeah, it's just time to get away from it all and trying to handle things once I got back.

That very night after talking to J, I had a dream though I'm not sure if I should say nightmare instead. I dreamt I was getting married and though the groom's face was unclear, K's face was a certainty. I dreamt that I had to ask K if there was a possibility of us before I married myself off to someone else. When I awoke... I was superbly upset. Not so much because of K but because of what my subconscious seems to be telling me. I had made T into a back-up of sorts! Like I couldn't have my first choice so this is my 2nd choice. Like omg??

I got so mad at myself that morning that I just couldn't muster enough enthusiasm to pound the streets of Japan. I mulled in the hotel room for quite some time, leaving only in the late afternoon. In the meantime, I sorted through my thoughts. I made 2 decisions: (1) I needed to end things with T because there was no point wasting time since I didn't feel that strongly about him. I do like him and I can see how great a partner he might make, all things constant. But I was just not in love with him. This is where the self recrimination begins. I seem to still expect the impossible. For someone to be completely and utterly in love with me, and I, him. I may not expect fireworks and exultant music in the background, but I still hold on faithfully to the thought that when I meet HIM, things would just fall into place and we would just know. Perhaps this is the reading of too many fantasy novels where real life is a figment of imagination. Damn you novels!

(2) I should prolly send an email to K and just say hi. I don't know what point is there to this ... but well... I just really wanted to know how he was getting on, and is he terribly happy and in love with A by now. I am half afraid he would say things were great and they were due to be married by xx date and I was invited to the wedding.

*Deep breath* Be brave O closet romantic! On the bright side, if he is really saying 'I do', then at the very least I can stop wondering the what-ifs with him and just be glad that at least one of us found The-One-That's-Right-For-Me. There might be hope for me then... in this futile search(?) for mine. Riiiight... I am not even sure if I can ever hold steady in a relationship or if I even want to be in one... and here I am, comforting self that there will be one for me eventually. I confuse myself ever so often that it's amusing I am not tied up in a straitjacket by now, wearing a metal helmet that zaps me whenever I start to think.

Incidentally though, before THE Dream, I have been talking to K on FB more. I am prolly imagining it but he seems interested in my Japan travel. I have received a comment here and there from him whenever I post a pic or some comment throughout my journey.

There was a particular comment he made that made me take note, when I was lamenting on FB that my Japan visit would end soon. He said something along the lines of that it was time to end my long trip and to save some leave for my trip to USA in Dec 2011. He added that it has been a year since he saw me. The fact that he noted I was going to be in US and the fact that we haven't seen each other in over a year... well... that just made me quirk an eyebrow again. I tried to rationalize then, that he was either a player, or a tease. I mean... were he interested, he wouldav tried to talk to me by now, instead of leaving remarks that were open for wide interpretation. Perhaps I am the culprit in this instance... the guy could just be talking to whom he assumed was a friend he hadn't seen in awhile.

Gawd... I need to stop this nonsense as though I were some bright-eyed bushy tailed newbie in affairs of the heart. Kill the emotion for goodness sakes! It's getting tiresome.