Clutching onto the last vestiges of life with... a referral letter?!

Another medical episode this month, first of the year.

GP was trying so hard to get me to go back to my private specialist that in the end, he came up with a new plan. Write me a referral letter for emergency KK check-in.

He's dead worried that I might bleed out if I don't get to the specialist and get my medical thing sorted out. He says when I sleep, I could have profuse bleeding, thereby resulting in a drop in blood pressure and I could just die in my sleep.

Sure, it sounds serious, but I ain't that worried about it. I've got a knife-happy specialist and the only diagnosis if I do go to him is another procedure. I tried waiting it out before and everything resolved itself in slightly over a week. Sure, I was weakened by the entire episode but hell, I didn't have to undergo another GA (of which I've already undergone 3 in this lifetime) and another day procedure.

Instead, I choose to focus on how a referral letter might help me if the above scenario does pan out and I'm dead. Look, if I bleed out, I bleed out and die in my sleep. Someone should congratulate me on having a painless and excellent exit if I had to choose one at all, with the words 'Excellent Exit Strategy' on my epitaph.

So... I figure, perhaps Dr thinks I might be clutching onto the last vestiges of life together with this referral letter, so in case the medial board comes a-fault finding, he could let the letter speak for itself. In my mind (granted, with a little blood-loss factored in), were I in sure dire straits in the middle of the night, I'm pretty sure NO emergency room is gonna tell me to take a number and wait my turn. I would be a priority in almost any emergency room around the world (Hello?! Blood loss! Low blood pressure! Can't find a pulse! Last few breaths! Lemme thru already), except... perhaps... in a galaxy where they can revive the dead at any point in time (Urgh! Scratch that... I don't wanna live in zombie land, you can't take baths without an appendage or two dropping off)

Oh I dunno... c'mon! Smile a little with me, even if this is a morose kinda humour. Life is never that tragic that you can't crack a joke and see the lighter side of things. If my time's up, it's up, but persistent as I am, I believe my time's NOT up just yet. I got things to do still... people to meet, places to see.

And so it begins...

Well... after a mash-up of anticipation, fear and faked nonchalance, I need to revel in a one liner I heard from K. "I messed up. I messed up with us"

That was from a couple of weeks back.
Long story short, we managed to sort some things out and even as I tread with trepidation into this, I am now with K. We had talked about seeing each other when I went up and then decided how things would go. Then he decided that he needs to come down sooner than my end year trip to US. Then as we progressed from talking once a day, to many times a day, he told me one day, that we may not have realized but we seem to be in a relationship already.

Like omg? People don't ask nor talk about it these days?
I feel cheated. I. Want. A. Refund. heh!

I can't describe the elation I'm feeling though. It's not like any relationship I've been in. Sure in past relationships I am glad to be in it but not so darn elated. This feels so right that it scares the cwap outtav me.

I love everything that he is doing right now... from his morning wake up call, to his MSN messages in between, and sporadic calls in between the day or something. We are essentially 17 hrs apart, his day my night and vice versa... but with the constant contact daily... it doesn't sting as badly being this far apart. Sure... it's still hard and I'm worried that distance is gonna be a killer on us, but for now, this is what we need to do if we wanna make this work. - shrug -

It's so comfortable being with him and we seem to be resonating together quite nicely, on a very well-matched frequency. I love that it's so easy falling in love with him. He makes me feel safe.

(Incidentally, all posts from July 2010, were saved and never published. I didn't know the direction of us and even when things seemed over in 2010, I still had this feeling that it wasn't the end. I decided then that I would keep the blogs till there was a finality to the story and post it all one shot. I'm glad I did... )

The Call

Ok... I am finally back from Japan and Hong Kong and back into the conundrum of things at work. Conundrum is loosely used here since work's stress level definitely amped up since I got back.

I had a friend come back from USA and got my much awaited Philosophy travel perfumes. I was so bored one night that I decided to post a pic of them on FB. The minute I hit POST, I saw something I didn't realize previously. One of the perfumes didn't have the word Grace on it and was called Falling In Love. Great... last thing I need now is to have people think this pic is code for "I'm In Love!" Oh well...


I couldn't sleep that night. I checked into FB and saw that I had a message. I was wide awake the minute I saw that the email was from K. He wrote a very very short 1 liner. "ok. what is your phone number. i have to talk to you "
I think my heart skipped several beats (or perhaps that is just a heart attack in the making) and I tried to tell self that perhaps he just needed a stranger to talk to. OMG... if he tells me he's getting married and was so elated that he couldn't sleep... I might buy a ticket to where he is, get there, tear off his arm and beat him over the head with it. Sheesh... where is that metal helmet that zaps you when you think too much, when you seriously need this?

It's 4am now... and I am sleepless in gawdang humid Singapore.

Japan Traveling 2011

A new year and this year seems even worse than the last as far as work is concerned.

Too many issues happening at work, too many projects for me to handle with no support from my boss, and absolutely zilch as far as recognition from the psycho is concerned.

Anyways... the long and short of it is, I had no idea where I wanted to go this year. I had no time to plan neither. In the end, I decided to just head towards Japan. This is my first ever foray into Asia, willingly. I get my winter and travel for 2011 done. Yay is me! Truth be told though, traveling alone in Asia freaks me out. I am perfectly comfortable traipsing all around Europe, even at night. But Asia... just.... F.R.E.A.K.S. me out!

I was so busy at work that I hardly had time to plan anything. In the end, I bought my ticket on a Tuesday and flew on Friday of the same week. I got so caught up in work that my colleague got worried for me and started researching for hotels and spas and transport for me instead! heh! I am blessed with great friends.

Even on the day of my flight, there were some last minute issues at work that had me worried and I was wondering if I should cancel the trip. Nevertheless, I got on the plane and managed to get to Tokyo in one piece. Phew! And I spend the next 2 hours walking around hunting for the crap of a hotel I chose. Well done me!

Anyways... I must say, I love the service attitude in Japan. There is an innate joy and pride when the service staff serve and it can be felt by the consumer. I'm sure most of it is faked but to be so fake that it is believable, now that is a true skill!

Aside from the gold star level of service, I love their trains. Getting around has never been as easy as this. The train system is lengthy as hell and stupid but they go EVERYWHERE and they are always on time. You don't ever have to wait longer than 5 - 10 minute for a train. I heart denshas!

Now for the things I didn't enjoy quite so much.
I feel like a jolly pink giant in this land of the rising sun.
Everywhere I go, I get stares. Most of the time, it is most likely because of my height and stature. I have actually seen a 40ish male, at about 1.6mtrs tall, SCUTTLE away when he turned to see me walking alongside. I think towards the end of my trip in Osaka, I realised that part of why people stare is because I wear too little. I ain't naked in case you were wondering, but all I had on was my top, my tights and a coat with boots. C'mon... how much do I need to bundle on at a temperature of -5 to 5 deg celsius?? Like seriously...?

The other down side, would have to be how the males and females who don't know each other, rarely sit together. Now don't get me wrong, I have no dying wish to plop my fat arse beside a male in the train. But if I had to choose between standing in a train with my humongous luggage (ergo getting in everyone's way) and sitting down comfortably beside a male, you can bet your bottom dollar my arse would be parked snugly alongside the male's.

My thoughts on this trip though... is how much I enjoy solitude. No one to whine to me, no one scowling at me for wanting to smoke in the cold, no one who is uptight about money and always expecting me to pay first for everything. It has been awhile since I traveled alone and I am glad to know that I still enjoy it.

I loved every single minute I lazed in my hotels. I lounged around so much that friends who see me online ask why aren't I out pounding the streets. Neh... not my style to pound streets. It's a holiday and I will do whatever I feel like doing for the day. I also adore the freedom I have to wander around supermarkets and parks. I could literally spend 4-5 hours in a big supermarket, just looking through everything and trying to come up with my own interpretation of what the item was. Fascinating. They had a tool for every damn thing you need to do in your life!

I also enjoyed my Calpis and Kirin Milk Tea on a daily basis, with the occasional Melon Pan. It brought back memories of my tertiary education where we would be at the atrium and I would troop into sun moulin cafe to get my much loved melon pan. It was bliss having the freedom to do any darn thing I wanted to do with no accounting to anyone. Pure unadulterated bliss!

The truly scary thing of Japan is that everything costs almost 2 arms and 2 legs. Sigh... and I had thought this would be a relatively inexpensive trip. Oh well... at the very least, I can now cross Japan out of my list of places to visit before I die.

The Dream

I was seeing this guy T casually for a couple months before I left for Japan. We go out and stuff but aren't an exclusive item. I was comfortable with that. As I started traveling all around, I finally had time to catch up with friends back home since I chose hotels that had wifi. One of them, J, was so excited at hearing that I have been seeing some guy. She was gushing on and on and I was amused. I don't know what the fuss is... since it's someone I'm casually seeing and not a BF nor a husband-to-be.

When she heard that I don't call him every other day, she was quite taken aback. She says it doesn't sound like I was too into him. I revealed that the guy had asked before I left, if we could see each other exclusively. I told her that just hearing him say that, made me break out in mental hives. I told him that I wasn't quite ready to handle a relationship because truth be told, I have not been able to shuck that uneasy feeling whenever I think of getting into ANOTHER relationship. I don't know when I developed this commitment phobia and it could merely be symptomatic of a deeper issue but ah heck. I don't wanna delve into that right now.

Anyways, when I told T I wasn't sure a relationship was what I was looking for right now, T said it was ok, he would wait. I replied that I wasn't even sure after the wait, I would ever be ready. T shrugged and said that was his risk to take and he was fine with that. So this is where I left things before I left for Japan. I didn't even tell him I was leaving for Japan for 3 weeks, till I was at the airport, about to board my plane. I did say that I would not be contactable for a bit... because once I got back from Japan, I would be at work for a week before flying to Hong Kong.
He asked if things were ok with us and I said yeah, it's just time to get away from it all and trying to handle things once I got back.

That very night after talking to J, I had a dream though I'm not sure if I should say nightmare instead. I dreamt I was getting married and though the groom's face was unclear, K's face was a certainty. I dreamt that I had to ask K if there was a possibility of us before I married myself off to someone else. When I awoke... I was superbly upset. Not so much because of K but because of what my subconscious seems to be telling me. I had made T into a back-up of sorts! Like I couldn't have my first choice so this is my 2nd choice. Like omg??

I got so mad at myself that morning that I just couldn't muster enough enthusiasm to pound the streets of Japan. I mulled in the hotel room for quite some time, leaving only in the late afternoon. In the meantime, I sorted through my thoughts. I made 2 decisions: (1) I needed to end things with T because there was no point wasting time since I didn't feel that strongly about him. I do like him and I can see how great a partner he might make, all things constant. But I was just not in love with him. This is where the self recrimination begins. I seem to still expect the impossible. For someone to be completely and utterly in love with me, and I, him. I may not expect fireworks and exultant music in the background, but I still hold on faithfully to the thought that when I meet HIM, things would just fall into place and we would just know. Perhaps this is the reading of too many fantasy novels where real life is a figment of imagination. Damn you novels!

(2) I should prolly send an email to K and just say hi. I don't know what point is there to this ... but well... I just really wanted to know how he was getting on, and is he terribly happy and in love with A by now. I am half afraid he would say things were great and they were due to be married by xx date and I was invited to the wedding.

*Deep breath* Be brave O closet romantic! On the bright side, if he is really saying 'I do', then at the very least I can stop wondering the what-ifs with him and just be glad that at least one of us found The-One-That's-Right-For-Me. There might be hope for me then... in this futile search(?) for mine. Riiiight... I am not even sure if I can ever hold steady in a relationship or if I even want to be in one... and here I am, comforting self that there will be one for me eventually. I confuse myself ever so often that it's amusing I am not tied up in a straitjacket by now, wearing a metal helmet that zaps me whenever I start to think.

Incidentally though, before THE Dream, I have been talking to K on FB more. I am prolly imagining it but he seems interested in my Japan travel. I have received a comment here and there from him whenever I post a pic or some comment throughout my journey.

There was a particular comment he made that made me take note, when I was lamenting on FB that my Japan visit would end soon. He said something along the lines of that it was time to end my long trip and to save some leave for my trip to USA in Dec 2011. He added that it has been a year since he saw me. The fact that he noted I was going to be in US and the fact that we haven't seen each other in over a year... well... that just made me quirk an eyebrow again. I tried to rationalize then, that he was either a player, or a tease. I mean... were he interested, he wouldav tried to talk to me by now, instead of leaving remarks that were open for wide interpretation. Perhaps I am the culprit in this instance... the guy could just be talking to whom he assumed was a friend he hadn't seen in awhile.

Gawd... I need to stop this nonsense as though I were some bright-eyed bushy tailed newbie in affairs of the heart. Kill the emotion for goodness sakes! It's getting tiresome.

Hitches

It is October... and had things gone as planned, I would at least be seeing him when he came to Singapore for a visit.

It is absolutely absurd that I am wasting seconds, blogging about someone I met, never dated and yet, think of from time to time.

I leave an occasional message now and then on FB, and he replies. Other than that, I have not had much contact with him.

I think of him ever so often though... and it is starting to annoy the heck outtav me!

What the heck is wrong that I need to think of this guy out of the several others I have dated since then??

Pffffft!

The End of A New Start

I met him on 27 Feb 2010, while in transit in Dubai airport. It was a strange route for me because I usually take Air France and would never transit in Dubai then. This time round, Chinese New Year came by early and I decided to chance with Emirates instead and chose to transit in Dubai instead of my usual Paris.

Anyways, we struck up a conversation which lasted about 2 hours. He said goodbye when his mate said it was time to leave and I continued with my remainder 4 hour vigil at the pub with my ciggies and mineral water. When he came back shortly thereafter, I was pleasantly surprised. He asked for my email and I had expected us to keep in contact for a couple of months, with the conversation dying a natural death soon enough, or we would meet up if we ever traveled to countries in common.

When I got home and finally checked my email couple of days later, I was a little surprised to see an email from him. We chatted over the next few days and it seemed like there was an inexplicable attraction between us. However, being as cautious as I have become...I was hesitant to return the 'like' and when he commented that it would be cool to go on a date with me, I was non-committal. I had a thousand thoughts running through my head... thoughts like he is in Iraq now and would be able to travel only in October. His home country is in USA. Where would a singular date lead us even if it went well? Too many improbables and I hesitated. I did say he was welcome to visit Singapore and we would have a great time meeting up then. I never really answered him on whether I would be interested in a date with him. I merely said let's be friends and see where that takes us.

A couple days from then, I think my heart sank when he mentioned about this girl he had asked out. I mean... I do understand that when you are casually dating, it is alright to date a few others but to tell one date of an impending date you were excited about? My gawd...!

I mulled over this for a couple of days before I decided: "Fux sakes! I need to tell the jerk that he's being a jerk even if that means the end of a friendship." When I mentioned it, he was taken aback. He claims he had the impression that I wasn't really interested and that was when he asked the girl out. He said the girl is a uni mate from waaay back and they always have tons to talk about. He said he was gonna pursue this date with her and see what happens from there.

Hogwash! For someone as intuitive and book-smart as he is, there was no way he couldn't tell I was interested. He probably found a better prospect in between and decided to pursue that instead.

As pissed off as I was, I was also mollified. His actions further convinced me that people rarely say the things they mean these days and well... there was no point to this. He was quite adamant that we talked about things and for the weirdest reason, I didn't want things so clearly defined that we would never be able to return to this point. My usual style would be to talk things out to a certainty and from there, we would continue to move past the romantic stage into an asexual friendship of which, there would be no hope of ever returning to the romantic stage. I can't explain why I didn't want things clearly defined... I just knew at this point in time, I do not want to kill this. Silly I know... why waste time on a guy who is just... not very into me?

I told him I understood what he was saying and I am ok for us to remain as friends. No need to talk nor explain further. He said he made his life 2000 times more complicated. He also revealed then that were he ever in Asia... there was a Korean girl that he saw while he stayed in Korea for 6 yrs. He said theirs was a complicated relationship and the girl didn't seem able to commit.

I have the awful feeling that he is doing everything he can to make me not like him but well... he doesn't know me all that well and how much it takes for me to reveal that I like a person. Yes, I am the doofus who believes that saying things out loud makes it real.

Anyways... in the following weeks, while I made reasonable efforts to talk to him as a friend would, he got increasingly snarky. At some point, I decided to just shut him out completely. He created mixed feelings in me. I wondered often if things wouldav been different had I answered positively when he first asked. Right after this thought, my next thought would be how lucky I am that we never started because he seems to have a lot of unresolved emotional ties to girls.

It is strange that though we are no longer talking... I still think about him from time to time. I mean... we are talking about a guy I haven't known longer than a few months. We never even hung out! Sheesh! I must be aging ...

Mortality Smortality

I had this conversation with my GP lately, on the added risks of a PCOS sufferer. He mentioned that I was at higher risk of Diabetes 2 and asked if I had been tested.

I related my life theory to him. I told him that if I were ever to be inflicted with a terminal disease... I would choose not to know about it since no cure is in sight. I said that I find people who discover they have little time left to live, seem to lose that intrinsic value to life no matter how positive a front they put forth to the world. Others... spend the remaining time they have left, ticking off a check list of must-dos.

I suppose I can afford to say this now... because I do not have a partner nor dependants in my life at the moment. But I assured the doctor that I have been living my life the best way I know how, and I have no check list I need to tick off. I want to live my remaining days exactly how I would if I were not ill and when the time comes... I will just leave the world as is. I have done all that I think I need to do within my means... I don't want to waste the time I have left, being depressed and watching people around me worry and cry.

That being said though... I have to add in a disclaimer. Should I be inflicted with a non-terminal disease such as diabetes... I might want to take steps now to prevent it. Simple reason being... er... Chaos is quite the wuss to pain. Heh... says the one who wants to leave the world not knowing of her terminal condition if that were ever to happen.

Irony of life in Chaos' world... gotta love it.

The whole point of growing up

As we grow up amidst the many trials and tribulations, I woke up one day to discover that I seem to have lost a part of myself. I don't know when and how but I have let the trials and tribulations define me. I don't mean to say I have become a consequence of these decisions. I mean that the consequences of these decisions I have made, have made me start to check and doubt my natural responses to situations.

I'm not sure how this happened and when I started playing on the side of caution whenever I perceive a risk at hand in an opportunity that comes up. It is never a bad thing for one to be cautious but to me, that intuitive spontaneity has led to many doors being opened for me and I actually enjoyed life, even if a few of the doors opened, weren't very welcoming ones.

It bothers me when I self reflect now and realize that this is how I've been making my decisions. It's created a pang in me, for the person that I no longer am. There are some situations where over-thinking leads to a missed opportunity and that becomes a regret.

And regrets... as we all know... are the worst kinds of memory to have. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change it and all you have, when you look back, is this void and wonder of what it could have been and how the missed opportunity is of your own making. With regrets, there is no one to blame because it is all in your head and as we all know, you can't lie to yourself. It never ever works.

If growing up is so complicated, why do people keep telling us to do it?

Another round of Bloodshed

I was discovered with a little medical condition when I was 25 or 26 and that was when my self confidence took a rather severe beating. I had cysts in my ovaries and this causes a hormonal imbalance. More importantly, PCO sufferers gain weight exponentially and it is hard for them to lose it, even with regular exercise and a stern eye on the diet. I know this personally because I have tried exercising and nutrition watch and it came to nought.

When I was 25 or 26, I had to have an immediate day procedure done as I was bleeding for over 2.5months. The first gynaecologist I went to gave me pills and told me to go back for another consultation in 3 months.

I was getting weaker with each passing day and my spine hurt so bad that I couldn't sneeze without excrutiating pain. I had initially thought I sprained my back or hips but no amount of chiropractor visits helped.

I was then brought to another gynaecologist for a second opinion and when he took one look at me, he said I had to have an immediate surgery as I was losing too much blood and losing colour. It was a simple procedure where I was given general anesthetics and I could go home within an hour of waking up. When I groggily awoke, I noticed that the pain in my spine had miraculously disappeared.

Since then, I still had the infrequent cycles and I discovered a few symptoms of PCO sufferers. For one, I get mood swings that affect me rather badly at times. It messes my mind and if I didn't take a hold of myself and remind self that this is the PCO 'talking' I don't believe I would be sitting here and blogging about this experience. Also, there were times when my blood sugar ran severely low and if I didn't get sugar or food in my system immediately, my body would shiver and shake uncontrollably and eventually I would pass out.

Accordingly to my gynaecologist, most PCO sufferers do not remove the cysts because any scratch on the ovaries would render one barren and I had cysts on both ovaries. The good news is that since it's benign and annual check ups do not indicate cancerous cells, the cysts do not need to be removed. I was also told that unless I tried getting pregnant for at least 1.5years, there is no reason to think that it will be difficult for me to conceive.

Anyways, fast forward from when I was 25 to last year when I was 35. I woke up one day and noticed that the bleeding was unusually heavy. I went to my regular doctor and he gave me a referral to see my gynaecologist immediately. I saw the gynae the following and he said the dreaded words that I was to have another procedure to clear the blood as there was a lot still left in my womb. I had already prepared myself for this and decided that in order to be 'normal' I would go alone and come home alone. I reasoned that there is no point in bringing someone to wait for me for over 3 hours and then bring me home when I was perfectly capable of doing so myself. I think the nurses were surprised that I came alone. When I messaged my best friend who is also my colleague that I was about to go into surgery in 10 mins, she was dead worried and wanted to rush down. I told her not to be silly and it's a simple procedure and I will be home in no time to rest. So that was how that came to be. It did feel lonely in the end, when I saw that everyone came with someone and no one went through this alone. The nurse offered to walk me down to the cab stand but I assured her that there wasn't such a need.

Fast forward to 8 months later... I started bleeding again yesterday and it feels bad again. I couldn't go to work today because the flow is too heavy for me to get clean without a shower each time. I went to the regular doctor again and told him that this time round, I do not want to rush to the gynaecologist and asked if he had pills I could take to stop the bleeding. He gave me 6 days' worth of pills but told me that he insist I go back to the gynaecologist on the 7th day because it is very likely that the bleeding will stop the minute I stop the pills.

I am sitting here in my room, trying to get a handle on my emotions and trying to assure myself that I wouldn't be bleeding that heavily in a couple of days and not to over think things. I keep telling myself that I will be fine and there is no need to worry about going to the gynae and being told that I need yet another surgery. I don't even have to think about whether I should call a friend to go with me this time because there is no surgery to be had.

I will be fine...