A Wedding and A Contradiction

I attended my first wedding of Year 2006 two days ago.

Whilst in the lobby, I was wistfully thinking to the numerous times he and I had been here. Him rushing out of the office to have his birthday dinner with me at Morton's. Enjoying our Morton's Martinis with Steak Finger Sandwiches here. The numerous late night movies we watched at Marina.

Needless to say, these pangs were self inflicted and not appropriate whilst attending a wedding. In the midst of my revelry, his best friend messaged me. He wanted to know how I was doing. I thought it strange that on the same day I had spoken to 'him', his best friend smsed to find out how I was (大概是想太多了吧？）. It was probably because his son's first-month celebration was close and I had informed them then that I couldn't be at the party coz I am still not ready to face him.

His best friend, best friend's wife (Mr & Mrs Smith) and I have always been close. They recently become proud parents a week after my split. I had garnered superhuman strength before I could visit them at the hospital. Truth be told, I only managed to embarrass myself when Mrs Smith asked how I was doing. Thankfully, we were alone then and no one saw my moment of fraility and being a new mother, she had tonnes of visitors trooping in and out every 10 minutes.

I digress... so throughout our smses, Mr Smith seemed anxious to know if I was doing alright and was insistent that they love me to bits nonetheless and want to remain friends. He commented also on how tired they have been and the lack of sleep that caused it. He seemed torn between trying to contain his joy at his new baby (by the way, baby has a fantabulous name) and being solomn for my grief. I tried my best to make my replies sound upbeat, eager to meet up and joy for his baby and absolutely grief-less. Afterall, I had been their wedding co-ordinator and practically ran the wedding schedule that night. I was also the organizer of Mrs Smith's bachelorette night where security had to visit our hotel room (memories, memories).

We ended the barrage of smses with Mr Smith's corny reassurance that they know I still love them nonetheless and that they are eager to meet up with me.

I managed to push these sms-ed thoughts to the back of my head, held my head high with a smile pasted on my face, and entered the wedding venue. I dutifully looked through the wedding album, made the appropriate ooh-ahhs, applauded the walk-in and solomnization, hugged the bride, told bride how great she looked (which of course, she truthfully did). What a show I had put on!

In retrospect, I now dread when Mr & Mrs Smith and I have to meet up. No, I do love them dearly and for the antics that the they bring to my life. However, I fear when I am asked how I am, and the look of absolute concern on their faces. I fear breaking down. I fear them finding out I'm still hurting. I fear seeing their faces lined with worry over me. I fear the fear.

I told Mr Smith this previously at the hospital and I still say it now, I will not confide in Mr & Mrs Smith. They are his friends and I will not put them in such a position where they have to take sides (Mr Smith said the missus gave quite a tongue lashing to him on the day she gave birth). I will not cause Mr Smith to be a little less of a friend to him or even empathize his thoughts. I will share in their joy for their newborn. I will be a memory and a friend to them but that is only because it will ease their worry and concern. I will put up another show even if it kills me.

Very soon I am sure, it will no longer be a show. In time... in time.