Nightfall

It is now close to 4am. I am unable to sleep. Also having a cramp and no, it is not PMS or that time of the month. I do not have that time of the months (Don't ask).

I started thinking back to the past few nights Chris and I spoke about her ex. She is unwilling to let him go because she feels she did not do her best. She is determined to get her back.

Ever since she and I started broaching on relationship issues, I have been starting to think of him. Chris was saying how together I look and appear. She says it is near impossible for her.

Am I together? Do I look as though this breakup doesn't bug me?
Do I really?
Then why are the after-effects still traumatising me?
Why am I up at 4am on a work night, tossing and turning?
Why am I still doing battle each sunrise to get outtav bed and live? (No...I am not suicidal)

Chris asked why wouldn't I want to get him back if I am not able to let it go. I told her that if he is unwilling to work at it or even give us a chance, it will end up being an acquisition. That means it will be a matter of me trying to get what I want. The relationship will have no value after I get what I want. I refuse to let myself be that wilful. I cannot live a life where I am not loved and treasured 100%. I cannot be in a one-way relationship. I refuse to allow myself to beg him back. Enough is enough.

She says she will not allow pride to get her in way in her instance. I told her it wasn't a matter of pride at all. If pleading with him to come back was what he needed to see how much I loved him, I would do it in the blink of an eye.

I just deleted two paragraphs of depicting what it was that was killing me in the relationship.
No, I won't do it. I do not want to talk about it anymore.
The time to talk has passed. It is over. I will get over.